The Climb: A Letter to him & Him.

Sometimes I'm scared...afraid I don't love Him.
But it's right there, in a moment my desperation breaks through all the fog & dark twisty black things of my heart. And it's there and I love him. But I feel like I'm just fighting to survive these moments. And I need your help, I need your help.

The man on the mat who was desperate for healing was lowered in by the others who were with him. He needed Jesus in his desperation for healing and they helped him get to the only one who could help.

I'm desperate.

The mans body was paralyzed but lately I'm suffering from a paralyzed heart, and I'm in desperate need of his touch. Now aware of my desperation I realize I'm so broken and hurt I can't even GET THERE on my own this time.
Babe, my love...you are the strongest man I know and have the most amazing faith I've met.
You are David's heart beat
physical, 
        touchable,
right in front of me.

You are Jesus' tender mercy and grace and deep deep KINDNESS, so gentle,
right there,
tangible,
          touchable,
 right in front of me.

I reach for you and I grasp His hand, even as I hold your heart & you hold mine.
I feel Him there in the spaces and rifts between us, master fingers knitting a masterpiece, a mosaic, this tapestry of the broken pieces of our fragile hearts. Beloved, my safety and strength,
tangible, 
touchable, in front of me...
when I can't make sense of him I remember your smile and gentle words and I see his face more clearly. When I don't understand his ways I remember the way you called me up the mountain, one step at a time..gentle, patient, STRONG.
"You're doing great, there you go, you've got this babe, one more step. You're doing so good."
Gentle reaches of your heart to mine in the dark places of my soul when I want to quit, beckoning me upward, beckoning me farther, to his glory. I look into your eyes boring holes into mine, captivated by my beauty, and I remember His voice again.

I wanted to stop on that mountain, I was so tired, I felt like I couldn't go on. I felt weak and broken, I wasn't enough to make it.
But one step at a time you led me in gentle love,
beside me you lifted me up in your beautifully words of love spoken in a whisper,
"you're doing great, one more step, you've got this."
And I remember it now as I climb this mountain in my heart, hard steps at thin altitude...I feel like I can't make it, like I can't make it one more step...but then I hear your whisper, His whisper, and I find I have strength for a few more steps.

We made it to the top, side by side. You could have ran ahead...you're so strong, so brave.
But you didn't.
You stayed with me, where I was, you didn't leave me for a moment.
We climbed and we climbed, higher than I'd ever been or imagined I could go, on the strength of your love and leadership.
...
...
...

No more stairs...
just open air and my surprised face as I take in the view.
I made it! Were here! I never thought I would make the climb, but I look in your eyes and see the truth that rings out over these jungles & skies, over these rocks and mountains...
You knew, you knew all along we'd make it. You knew there was something in me I never could have seen. On your strength you lead me, on the back of your humility it seemed you carried me up these mountains, into greater heights, and depths of love than I've ever known.

I never climbed alone, not then not now.

...

Suddenly the fog lifts and I can see a bit more clearly.
I remember now.
I take your hand in mine...
strong, calloused, leading me always further up & further in..
I never know if I'm talking about you or Him anymore...the lines between you blur into beautiful smudges of color that paint a masterpiece on the insides of me.
The way it always should have been,
& the way it always will be.

I face this mountain, and in the memory of how we climbed the last I begin to see everything more clearly. You're here with me, strong heart, calloused from carrying my load, and you lead me...further up and further in, to the greatest love I've known.

Hello from Vancouver!

So it's finally begun! I am currently sitting in an airport in Vancouver waiting for my next connecting flight, and by this time tomorrow I will be in Micronesia!

It's completely surreal and a little overwhelming that it's finally here, and I still have so many worries, doubts and fears. I'm trying to remember why I signed up for this in the first place... Why I willingly decided to leave everyone and everything I love behind and why I decided to fly across the world over the next two days. It's hard to remember sometimes; our minds cling so tightly to certain memories but so easily forget others, they become foggy as time passes, like something from a dream. I'm straining my mind to remember the night, the night I felt called.
And then it comes to me...

I had been crying, wailing really...wondering why I was created, wondering what my purpose is here, begging God to tell me His will for life. He answered through scripture and told me to go and bring His love to people who needed it, to people who hadn't experienced it yet.
A few weeks later Iris Ministries seemed to plop into my lap and I knew without a doubt I was supposed to go because going was EXACTLY what I didn't want to do. The last thing on Earth I wanted to do was go to Micronesia...but I could feel that nagging in my gut, and I knew this was what God wanted.

Sitting in this airport right now I am so thankful I made the right choice and didn't let my selfish desires get in the way. I have worries, I have fears, I have doubts... I have no idea what awaits me on this strange small island noone has ever heard of, and I also have no idea what awaits me when I get home...but as I think back to the night God told me to go, and as I think back to the smiling faces of the people I love I know one thing:

I am supposed to go and I am supposed to love, because someone came and gave up everything to love me. 
Not only that, but now I want to.

<3

P.S. Isn't it the worst when you realize you were sleeping on the plane with your mouth open and drooling? Well it's way worse when you realize you were also babbling and yelling in your sleep! true story.

I May Have Just Pooped My Pants

SIX DAYS AND COUNTING!!

And thus I have officially pooped my pants.
I mean I havn't checked yet but I can definitley feel something squishy in there. haha just kidding.
Or am I?

I have NO IDEA what to expect out there! And since I'm the girl who makes checklists just for fun this isn't exactly my comfort zone. I have no idea what the people will be like, if my shoes will give me blisters, if my hair will frizz up like my finger is in an electrical socket, if I'll be able to love well, if I will be eaten by a shark...that's if the cockaroaches don't get me first.
Gulp.

So many exciting ifs, so many new adventures to experience!
I can't wait!

PICTURES! Hey!

The BEST thing about the praries? (For non canadians - I'm talking about Manitoba.)

Those prarie skies! Here ares some pics I took out at Lake Brereton the other weekend!

Well not the first one, the first ones just my face.

Good thing I pointed that out to you huh?

Right? Right?
I think I'm falling a little bit in love with Canada.

They Eat WHAT In Micronesia??

Raw fish.

That's right you heard me.
R A W   F I S H.

I hate fish of the cooked varitey...but raw? That's just fishy if you ask me!
haha. Oh dear.

Also, I read someone's post about a 3 inch cockroach that was flying at her face.


3 inch bugs
&
raw fish.

God has a sense of humor people.
What have I got myself into?


8 days and counting!

Confession

I have a confession.

Sometimes I doubt God,
I doubt that He excists. I doubt that He is Good.
I doubt that He loves me. I doubt the cross, and that it was enough.
Sometimes I am FULL of rage and anger,
especially towards God...
mostly because I feel like He hasn't delivered.

Yesterday I was so mad at God I told Him He was an asshole and I hated Him; I didn't want salvation anymore, He could take it back (I feel sick knowing I thought those things). I'm a thrower when I'm really crazy mad and so I imagined myself throwing things at God. For some reason what I had in my hands were tomatoes. I let the first one fly, and in that throw I put the force of my dissapointment, of my pain, hurt, anger, all of it. I watched it go, then watched as it splattered onto Jesus, hanging on the cross...I looked around. I was standing in the crowd of people screaming "CRUCIFY HIM!" The same ones who earlier had yelled, "HOSANNA! HOSANNA IN THE HIGHEST!"

See they had worshipped a God of their desires. When they thought Jesus was restoring Jeruselum to power and prestige and he'd crush Roman rule they rejoiced and followed Him; they were willing to worship THAT king. But when they realized He spoke of a different Kingdom, and wasn't coming to deliver what they wanted they became a murderous mob and were willing to take the LIFE of this man because of it.
And so was I.

We all felt entitled to better, to more.
One thing I've learned is that entitlement is a dangerous feeling to have...

When I realized what I had become, and what I was doing I wept. I wept and dropped my tomatoes onto the ground, the red splattering over my shoes. I looked at Jesus on the cross, broken, bleeding, skin ripped from his body...and wept.
But the anger remained.

And then I covered my face with my hands and sank to my knees still weeping. I suddenly felt hands on me pulling my hands away from my face. I looked up, and the cross was empty!
And I heard Jesus say it, proclaim it.
"The cross is empty Yasemee. The cross is empty."

I knew that should give me peace, but it didn't. My entitlement, my anger had hardened my heart. And that scared me. I begged God to melt my heart, to bring me back to Him, to help me love Him again.

He did that today in ways I didn't expect.
But I learned that I never want to worship a fake Jesus, or hate the real one because He doesn't deliver exactly what I wanted. I want to love Him for who He is.
He is hard to follow, He is hard to understand, He is not happiness and rainbows all the time, His sayings are hard, He is not safe....but oh, He is SO Good!.
Who else can be all these things and be them so perfectly that they give life? Even his discipline is reason to rejoice!
I only know of one man like that. And I intend to follow him because He is just that:
He is everything, all in one.
The cross is empty.
The price was paid.

This morning I was listening to itunes, I didn't want to hear anything about God because I was still so angry with him...but my computer suddenly cut off and skipped to this spoken word.

The Lost Sheep by Nick Vitellaro

And The Countdown Begins!

10 DAYS UNTIL I LEAVE FOR MICRONESIA!!!
(it'll be 9 days in about 27 minutes!)

I can't believe it is really happening.
I am really going on an adventure! And I'm so excited! I can't wait! To meet new people, see new lands, experience a totally different way of life, bring Christ to people? It's everything I never knew I always wanted!!
The only thing missing is an Indiana Jones hat and whip...hey, I'm working on it.

I'm also incredibly sad.
For some reason this trip feels like a goodbye and I guess in some ways it is.

It's goodbye to the me I am now, because I know I will be radically changed.
It's goodbye to my current diet, because I will be forced to eat fish...ones I may even have speared myself! :/
It's goodbye to my fears, because I'm facing them.
It's goodbye to my family, whom I love dearly.
And it's goodbye to my friends, the people who have become family...the people who bring me closer to God...the people who feel like home.

How blessed am I to have so many wonderful things and people to say goodbye to?!

Lately I've been looking forward to every season of my life.
I'm looking forward to Micronesia, I'm looking forward to coming home, I'm looking forward to university & apartment hunting, I'm looking forward to ministry, and marriage, and kids, and friends, and old age. ALL of it. :)

I used to think it was a sin to want to enjoy life. It made me feel like I didn't love God.
But I am happy to be alive, you only live once and I want to do it right...
right in the arms of my saviour, huge smile on my face, hair blowing in the wind, with my trusty whip at my side, and my hat in my hands...ready for this adventure...
this one crazy and wild adventure called life.

Good ol' Indi.