The Ugly Little Duckling

A few posts back I talked about the undercurrent of guilt in my life. Turned out guilt wasn't the root, guilt a branch on the rotten tree but the root was expectation.
The belief that I had to EARN love because noone loved me and noone ever would; I had to work for it, and do anything/everything it took to get that love. That created expectations, which are exhausting to live under. And God showed me that I have no idea who I actually am.

I'm trying to strip off the expectations now.
Slowly peel back their rotten layers...
I'm not sure what I'll find underneath and I'm afraid...but you know what? It kind of feels like an adventure. And I feel like Micronesia is a BIG part of that. Maybe when I'm giving my love away, instead of trying to win it from others, I'll learn a few things about God and about myself...the me I really am when I'm not pretending.

A few weeks ago I went on a run. (I'm trying to get into running, right now I'm averaging once every 3 weeks haha.) But while I was running God spoke to me pretty powerfully.

I was exhausted and decided to take a breather down by the river. I walked by a small bench down towards the bank. And there I saw a little duck.
He was a baby, the age that ducks are when they first leave their little duck families. Just like me.
He was alone. Blue and purple feathers were sticking out of his random tufts.
He would swim back and forth along the bank, and then tentativley and slowly creep onto the bank before getting scared and jumping back into the water. I watched with a smile on my face and God said to me,

"That's you. All new, and excited, and passionate and fiery. I love your passion and your fire, it makes me smile and laugh. I love you. You are swimming on a big river, but guilt is not the undercurrent of your life...I am. And the same river that leads you to the bank, and the same river that gives you food and water, and the same river that leads you to your destiny...will one day lead you home, to me..into my arms.
Swim and fly, little duckling. I love you."

So God is leading me, He is leading me deeper into Himself and deeper into me. I am learning & I am meeting myself for what may be the very first time.
I am new. I am excited. I am passionate. I am fiery.
I like it.

And like the little ugly duckling, my feet are too big for my body, and my feathers are just poking through tufts...but my Jesus loves me, and flows beneath me and all around me.
And He is guiding me home.