The Climb: A Letter to him & Him.

Sometimes I'm scared...afraid I don't love Him.
But it's right there, in a moment my desperation breaks through all the fog & dark twisty black things of my heart. And it's there and I love him. But I feel like I'm just fighting to survive these moments. And I need your help, I need your help.

The man on the mat who was desperate for healing was lowered in by the others who were with him. He needed Jesus in his desperation for healing and they helped him get to the only one who could help.

I'm desperate.

The mans body was paralyzed but lately I'm suffering from a paralyzed heart, and I'm in desperate need of his touch. Now aware of my desperation I realize I'm so broken and hurt I can't even GET THERE on my own this time.
Babe, my love...you are the strongest man I know and have the most amazing faith I've met.
You are David's heart beat
physical, 
        touchable,
right in front of me.

You are Jesus' tender mercy and grace and deep deep KINDNESS, so gentle,
right there,
tangible,
          touchable,
 right in front of me.

I reach for you and I grasp His hand, even as I hold your heart & you hold mine.
I feel Him there in the spaces and rifts between us, master fingers knitting a masterpiece, a mosaic, this tapestry of the broken pieces of our fragile hearts. Beloved, my safety and strength,
tangible, 
touchable, in front of me...
when I can't make sense of him I remember your smile and gentle words and I see his face more clearly. When I don't understand his ways I remember the way you called me up the mountain, one step at a time..gentle, patient, STRONG.
"You're doing great, there you go, you've got this babe, one more step. You're doing so good."
Gentle reaches of your heart to mine in the dark places of my soul when I want to quit, beckoning me upward, beckoning me farther, to his glory. I look into your eyes boring holes into mine, captivated by my beauty, and I remember His voice again.

I wanted to stop on that mountain, I was so tired, I felt like I couldn't go on. I felt weak and broken, I wasn't enough to make it.
But one step at a time you led me in gentle love,
beside me you lifted me up in your beautifully words of love spoken in a whisper,
"you're doing great, one more step, you've got this."
And I remember it now as I climb this mountain in my heart, hard steps at thin altitude...I feel like I can't make it, like I can't make it one more step...but then I hear your whisper, His whisper, and I find I have strength for a few more steps.

We made it to the top, side by side. You could have ran ahead...you're so strong, so brave.
But you didn't.
You stayed with me, where I was, you didn't leave me for a moment.
We climbed and we climbed, higher than I'd ever been or imagined I could go, on the strength of your love and leadership.
...
...
...

No more stairs...
just open air and my surprised face as I take in the view.
I made it! Were here! I never thought I would make the climb, but I look in your eyes and see the truth that rings out over these jungles & skies, over these rocks and mountains...
You knew, you knew all along we'd make it. You knew there was something in me I never could have seen. On your strength you lead me, on the back of your humility it seemed you carried me up these mountains, into greater heights, and depths of love than I've ever known.

I never climbed alone, not then not now.

...

Suddenly the fog lifts and I can see a bit more clearly.
I remember now.
I take your hand in mine...
strong, calloused, leading me always further up & further in..
I never know if I'm talking about you or Him anymore...the lines between you blur into beautiful smudges of color that paint a masterpiece on the insides of me.
The way it always should have been,
& the way it always will be.

I face this mountain, and in the memory of how we climbed the last I begin to see everything more clearly. You're here with me, strong heart, calloused from carrying my load, and you lead me...further up and further in, to the greatest love I've known.