So it's finally begun! I am currently sitting in an airport in Vancouver waiting for my next connecting flight, and by this time tomorrow I will be in Micronesia!
It's completely surreal and a little overwhelming that it's finally here, and I still have so many worries, doubts and fears. I'm trying to remember why I signed up for this in the first place... Why I willingly decided to leave everyone and everything I love behind and why I decided to fly across the world over the next two days. It's hard to remember sometimes; our minds cling so tightly to certain memories but so easily forget others, they become foggy as time passes, like something from a dream. I'm straining my mind to remember the night, the night I felt called.
And then it comes to me...
I had been crying, wailing really...wondering why I was created, wondering what my purpose is here, begging God to tell me His will for life. He answered through scripture and told me to go and bring His love to people who needed it, to people who hadn't experienced it yet.
A few weeks later Iris Ministries seemed to plop into my lap and I knew without a doubt I was supposed to go because going was EXACTLY what I didn't want to do. The last thing on Earth I wanted to do was go to Micronesia...but I could feel that nagging in my gut, and I knew this was what God wanted.
Sitting in this airport right now I am so thankful I made the right choice and didn't let my selfish desires get in the way. I have worries, I have fears, I have doubts... I have no idea what awaits me on this strange small island noone has ever heard of, and I also have no idea what awaits me when I get home...but as I think back to the night God told me to go, and as I think back to the smiling faces of the people I love I know one thing:
I am supposed to go and I am supposed to love, because someone came and gave up everything to love me.
Not only that, but now I want to.
<3
P.S. Isn't it the worst when you realize you were sleeping on the plane with your mouth open and drooling? Well it's way worse when you realize you were also babbling and yelling in your sleep! true story.
Tuesday, August 13, 2013
Tuesday, August 6, 2013
I May Have Just Pooped My Pants
SIX DAYS AND COUNTING!!
And thus I have officially pooped my pants.
I mean I havn't checked yet but I can definitley feel something squishy in there. haha just kidding.
Or am I?
I have NO IDEA what to expect out there! And since I'm the girl who makes checklists just for fun this isn't exactly my comfort zone. I have no idea what the people will be like, if my shoes will give me blisters, if my hair will frizz up like my finger is in an electrical socket, if I'll be able to love well, if I will be eaten by a shark...that's if the cockaroaches don't get me first.
Gulp.
So many exciting ifs, so many new adventures to experience!
I can't wait!
And thus I have officially pooped my pants.
I mean I havn't checked yet but I can definitley feel something squishy in there. haha just kidding.
Or am I?
I have NO IDEA what to expect out there! And since I'm the girl who makes checklists just for fun this isn't exactly my comfort zone. I have no idea what the people will be like, if my shoes will give me blisters, if my hair will frizz up like my finger is in an electrical socket, if I'll be able to love well, if I will be eaten by a shark...that's if the cockaroaches don't get me first.
Gulp.
So many exciting ifs, so many new adventures to experience!
I can't wait!
Monday, August 5, 2013
PICTURES! Hey!
The BEST thing about the praries? (For non canadians - I'm talking about Manitoba.)
Those prarie skies! Here ares some pics I took out at Lake Brereton the other weekend!
Well not the first one, the first ones just my face.
Good thing I pointed that out to you huh?
Right? Right?
I think I'm falling a little bit in love with Canada.
They Eat WHAT In Micronesia??
Raw fish.
That's right you heard me.
R A W F I S H.
I hate fish of the cooked varitey...but raw? That's just fishy if you ask me!
haha. Oh dear.
Also, I read someone's post about a 3 inch cockroach that was flying at her face.
3 inch bugs
&
raw fish.
God has a sense of humor people.
What have I got myself into?
8 days and counting!
That's right you heard me.
R A W F I S H.
I hate fish of the cooked varitey...but raw? That's just fishy if you ask me!
haha. Oh dear.
Also, I read someone's post about a 3 inch cockroach that was flying at her face.
3 inch bugs
&
raw fish.
God has a sense of humor people.
What have I got myself into?
8 days and counting!
Confession
I have a confession.
Sometimes I doubt God,
I doubt that He excists. I doubt that He is Good.
I doubt that He loves me. I doubt the cross, and that it was enough.
Sometimes I am FULL of rage and anger,
especially towards God...
mostly because I feel like He hasn't delivered.
Yesterday I was so mad at God I told Him He was an asshole and I hated Him; I didn't want salvation anymore, He could take it back (I feel sick knowing I thought those things). I'm a thrower when I'm really crazy mad and so I imagined myself throwing things at God. For some reason what I had in my hands were tomatoes. I let the first one fly, and in that throw I put the force of my dissapointment, of my pain, hurt, anger, all of it. I watched it go, then watched as it splattered onto Jesus, hanging on the cross...I looked around. I was standing in the crowd of people screaming "CRUCIFY HIM!" The same ones who earlier had yelled, "HOSANNA! HOSANNA IN THE HIGHEST!"
See they had worshipped a God of their desires. When they thought Jesus was restoring Jeruselum to power and prestige and he'd crush Roman rule they rejoiced and followed Him; they were willing to worship THAT king. But when they realized He spoke of a different Kingdom, and wasn't coming to deliver what they wanted they became a murderous mob and were willing to take the LIFE of this man because of it.
And so was I.
We all felt entitled to better, to more.
One thing I've learned is that entitlement is a dangerous feeling to have...
When I realized what I had become, and what I was doing I wept. I wept and dropped my tomatoes onto the ground, the red splattering over my shoes. I looked at Jesus on the cross, broken, bleeding, skin ripped from his body...and wept.
But the anger remained.
And then I covered my face with my hands and sank to my knees still weeping. I suddenly felt hands on me pulling my hands away from my face. I looked up, and the cross was empty!
And I heard Jesus say it, proclaim it.
"The cross is empty Yasemee. The cross is empty."
I knew that should give me peace, but it didn't. My entitlement, my anger had hardened my heart. And that scared me. I begged God to melt my heart, to bring me back to Him, to help me love Him again.
He did that today in ways I didn't expect.
But I learned that I never want to worship a fake Jesus, or hate the real one because He doesn't deliver exactly what I wanted. I want to love Him for who He is.
He is hard to follow, He is hard to understand, He is not happiness and rainbows all the time, His sayings are hard, He is not safe....but oh, He is SO Good!.
Who else can be all these things and be them so perfectly that they give life? Even his discipline is reason to rejoice!
I only know of one man like that. And I intend to follow him because He is just that:
He is everything, all in one.
The cross is empty.
The price was paid.
This morning I was listening to itunes, I didn't want to hear anything about God because I was still so angry with him...but my computer suddenly cut off and skipped to this spoken word.
The Lost Sheep by Nick Vitellaro
Sometimes I doubt God,
I doubt that He excists. I doubt that He is Good.
I doubt that He loves me. I doubt the cross, and that it was enough.
Sometimes I am FULL of rage and anger,
especially towards God...
mostly because I feel like He hasn't delivered.
Yesterday I was so mad at God I told Him He was an asshole and I hated Him; I didn't want salvation anymore, He could take it back (I feel sick knowing I thought those things). I'm a thrower when I'm really crazy mad and so I imagined myself throwing things at God. For some reason what I had in my hands were tomatoes. I let the first one fly, and in that throw I put the force of my dissapointment, of my pain, hurt, anger, all of it. I watched it go, then watched as it splattered onto Jesus, hanging on the cross...I looked around. I was standing in the crowd of people screaming "CRUCIFY HIM!" The same ones who earlier had yelled, "HOSANNA! HOSANNA IN THE HIGHEST!"
See they had worshipped a God of their desires. When they thought Jesus was restoring Jeruselum to power and prestige and he'd crush Roman rule they rejoiced and followed Him; they were willing to worship THAT king. But when they realized He spoke of a different Kingdom, and wasn't coming to deliver what they wanted they became a murderous mob and were willing to take the LIFE of this man because of it.
And so was I.
We all felt entitled to better, to more.
One thing I've learned is that entitlement is a dangerous feeling to have...
When I realized what I had become, and what I was doing I wept. I wept and dropped my tomatoes onto the ground, the red splattering over my shoes. I looked at Jesus on the cross, broken, bleeding, skin ripped from his body...and wept.
But the anger remained.
And then I covered my face with my hands and sank to my knees still weeping. I suddenly felt hands on me pulling my hands away from my face. I looked up, and the cross was empty!
And I heard Jesus say it, proclaim it.
"The cross is empty Yasemee. The cross is empty."
I knew that should give me peace, but it didn't. My entitlement, my anger had hardened my heart. And that scared me. I begged God to melt my heart, to bring me back to Him, to help me love Him again.
He did that today in ways I didn't expect.
But I learned that I never want to worship a fake Jesus, or hate the real one because He doesn't deliver exactly what I wanted. I want to love Him for who He is.
He is hard to follow, He is hard to understand, He is not happiness and rainbows all the time, His sayings are hard, He is not safe....but oh, He is SO Good!.
Who else can be all these things and be them so perfectly that they give life? Even his discipline is reason to rejoice!
I only know of one man like that. And I intend to follow him because He is just that:
He is everything, all in one.
The cross is empty.
The price was paid.
This morning I was listening to itunes, I didn't want to hear anything about God because I was still so angry with him...but my computer suddenly cut off and skipped to this spoken word.
The Lost Sheep by Nick Vitellaro
Saturday, August 3, 2013
And The Countdown Begins!
10 DAYS UNTIL I LEAVE FOR MICRONESIA!!!
(it'll be 9 days in about 27 minutes!)
I can't believe it is really happening.
I am really going on an adventure! And I'm so excited! I can't wait! To meet new people, see new lands, experience a totally different way of life, bring Christ to people? It's everything I never knew I always wanted!!
The only thing missing is an Indiana Jones hat and whip...hey, I'm working on it.
I'm also incredibly sad.
For some reason this trip feels like a goodbye and I guess in some ways it is.
It's goodbye to the me I am now, because I know I will be radically changed.
It's goodbye to my current diet, because I will be forced to eat fish...ones I may even have speared myself! :/
It's goodbye to my fears, because I'm facing them.
It's goodbye to my family, whom I love dearly.
And it's goodbye to my friends, the people who have become family...the people who bring me closer to God...the people who feel like home.
How blessed am I to have so many wonderful things and people to say goodbye to?!
Lately I've been looking forward to every season of my life.
I'm looking forward to Micronesia, I'm looking forward to coming home, I'm looking forward to university & apartment hunting, I'm looking forward to ministry, and marriage, and kids, and friends, and old age. ALL of it. :)
I used to think it was a sin to want to enjoy life. It made me feel like I didn't love God.
But I am happy to be alive, you only live once and I want to do it right...
right in the arms of my saviour, huge smile on my face, hair blowing in the wind, with my trusty whip at my side, and my hat in my hands...ready for this adventure...
this one crazy and wild adventure called life.
Good ol' Indi.
(it'll be 9 days in about 27 minutes!)
I can't believe it is really happening.
I am really going on an adventure! And I'm so excited! I can't wait! To meet new people, see new lands, experience a totally different way of life, bring Christ to people? It's everything I never knew I always wanted!!
The only thing missing is an Indiana Jones hat and whip...hey, I'm working on it.
I'm also incredibly sad.
For some reason this trip feels like a goodbye and I guess in some ways it is.
It's goodbye to the me I am now, because I know I will be radically changed.
It's goodbye to my current diet, because I will be forced to eat fish...ones I may even have speared myself! :/
It's goodbye to my fears, because I'm facing them.
It's goodbye to my family, whom I love dearly.
And it's goodbye to my friends, the people who have become family...the people who bring me closer to God...the people who feel like home.
How blessed am I to have so many wonderful things and people to say goodbye to?!
Lately I've been looking forward to every season of my life.
I'm looking forward to Micronesia, I'm looking forward to coming home, I'm looking forward to university & apartment hunting, I'm looking forward to ministry, and marriage, and kids, and friends, and old age. ALL of it. :)
I used to think it was a sin to want to enjoy life. It made me feel like I didn't love God.
But I am happy to be alive, you only live once and I want to do it right...
right in the arms of my saviour, huge smile on my face, hair blowing in the wind, with my trusty whip at my side, and my hat in my hands...ready for this adventure...
this one crazy and wild adventure called life.
Good ol' Indi.
Thursday, August 1, 2013
The Ugly Little Duckling
A few posts back I talked about the undercurrent of guilt in my life. Turned out guilt wasn't the root, guilt a branch on the rotten tree but the root was expectation.
The belief that I had to EARN love because noone loved me and noone ever would; I had to work for it, and do anything/everything it took to get that love. That created expectations, which are exhausting to live under. And God showed me that I have no idea who I actually am.
I'm trying to strip off the expectations now.
Slowly peel back their rotten layers...
I'm not sure what I'll find underneath and I'm afraid...but you know what? It kind of feels like an adventure. And I feel like Micronesia is a BIG part of that. Maybe when I'm giving my love away, instead of trying to win it from others, I'll learn a few things about God and about myself...the me I really am when I'm not pretending.
A few weeks ago I went on a run. (I'm trying to get into running, right now I'm averaging once every 3 weeks haha.) But while I was running God spoke to me pretty powerfully.
I was exhausted and decided to take a breather down by the river. I walked by a small bench down towards the bank. And there I saw a little duck.
He was a baby, the age that ducks are when they first leave their little duck families. Just like me.
He was alone. Blue and purple feathers were sticking out of his random tufts.
He would swim back and forth along the bank, and then tentativley and slowly creep onto the bank before getting scared and jumping back into the water. I watched with a smile on my face and God said to me,
"That's you. All new, and excited, and passionate and fiery. I love your passion and your fire, it makes me smile and laugh. I love you. You are swimming on a big river, but guilt is not the undercurrent of your life...I am. And the same river that leads you to the bank, and the same river that gives you food and water, and the same river that leads you to your destiny...will one day lead you home, to me..into my arms.
Swim and fly, little duckling. I love you."
So God is leading me, He is leading me deeper into Himself and deeper into me. I am learning & I am meeting myself for what may be the very first time.
I am new. I am excited. I am passionate. I am fiery.
I like it.
And like the little ugly duckling, my feet are too big for my body, and my feathers are just poking through tufts...but my Jesus loves me, and flows beneath me and all around me.
And He is guiding me home.
The belief that I had to EARN love because noone loved me and noone ever would; I had to work for it, and do anything/everything it took to get that love. That created expectations, which are exhausting to live under. And God showed me that I have no idea who I actually am.
I'm trying to strip off the expectations now.
Slowly peel back their rotten layers...
I'm not sure what I'll find underneath and I'm afraid...but you know what? It kind of feels like an adventure. And I feel like Micronesia is a BIG part of that. Maybe when I'm giving my love away, instead of trying to win it from others, I'll learn a few things about God and about myself...the me I really am when I'm not pretending.
A few weeks ago I went on a run. (I'm trying to get into running, right now I'm averaging once every 3 weeks haha.) But while I was running God spoke to me pretty powerfully.
I was exhausted and decided to take a breather down by the river. I walked by a small bench down towards the bank. And there I saw a little duck.
He was a baby, the age that ducks are when they first leave their little duck families. Just like me.
He was alone. Blue and purple feathers were sticking out of his random tufts.
He would swim back and forth along the bank, and then tentativley and slowly creep onto the bank before getting scared and jumping back into the water. I watched with a smile on my face and God said to me,
"That's you. All new, and excited, and passionate and fiery. I love your passion and your fire, it makes me smile and laugh. I love you. You are swimming on a big river, but guilt is not the undercurrent of your life...I am. And the same river that leads you to the bank, and the same river that gives you food and water, and the same river that leads you to your destiny...will one day lead you home, to me..into my arms.
Swim and fly, little duckling. I love you."
So God is leading me, He is leading me deeper into Himself and deeper into me. I am learning & I am meeting myself for what may be the very first time.
I am new. I am excited. I am passionate. I am fiery.
I like it.
And like the little ugly duckling, my feet are too big for my body, and my feathers are just poking through tufts...but my Jesus loves me, and flows beneath me and all around me.
And He is guiding me home.
I Remember You
My heart is fragile...full of insecurities and doubts. Doubts about myself.
I'm afraid that no one will like me, that no one will love me.
I've been trying to be somebody for everybody my whole life, even with Jesus.
And I got tired, and I ran away from Him in my heart.
But tonight, I remembered.
I remembered what it felt like when I fell in love.
It felt like rain, soul drenching rain..the kind that leaves your chest heaving.
And I remembered what it felt like to take His hand because it felt like the wind, when it whispers through the trees.
And I remembered the sound of his voice, because it felt like the waters that rushed over my feet and in between my painted toes, the coolness making my breath catch, making me come fully alive.
Tonight I painted him a picture, wrote him a poem. It was my heart made into words, each beat became a syllable redefined and written, forming slow words. They weren't right or perfect...just my heart, pen to paper.
And I remembered.
I remembered because as I held my breath waiting for the sting of rejection, waiting for the echo of the words "try harder" I felt a calloused hand against my cheek.
I opened my eyes, and there were His, filled with tears as He pulled me close.
It was a tight embrace. We clung to eachother and wept...and I remembered.
Slowly we began to dance, to move as the stars sang their heavenly song above us. As the trees whispered the chorus, and the mountains hummed along.
I remembered His love for me.
He does love me.
Broken.
Ugly.
Sinful.
Liar.
Insecure.
Selfish.
Self obsessed.
Conceated.
Traitor.
Cheater.
Whore.
Unworthy.
These are the things that I name myself.
But I look into His eyes, and I see the truth.
He loves me.
And in that, because of that...I am none of these things, I am everything more.
I am
Beautiful.
Redeemed.
Loved.
Worthy.
Pure.
Righteous.
Funny.
Joyful.
Loyal.
Passionate.
Naked.
I remember.
I AM my beloved's...and He is mine.
I'm afraid that no one will like me, that no one will love me.
I've been trying to be somebody for everybody my whole life, even with Jesus.
And I got tired, and I ran away from Him in my heart.
But tonight, I remembered.
I remembered what it felt like when I fell in love.
It felt like rain, soul drenching rain..the kind that leaves your chest heaving.
And I remembered what it felt like to take His hand because it felt like the wind, when it whispers through the trees.
And I remembered the sound of his voice, because it felt like the waters that rushed over my feet and in between my painted toes, the coolness making my breath catch, making me come fully alive.
Tonight I painted him a picture, wrote him a poem. It was my heart made into words, each beat became a syllable redefined and written, forming slow words. They weren't right or perfect...just my heart, pen to paper.
And I remembered.
I remembered because as I held my breath waiting for the sting of rejection, waiting for the echo of the words "try harder" I felt a calloused hand against my cheek.
I opened my eyes, and there were His, filled with tears as He pulled me close.
It was a tight embrace. We clung to eachother and wept...and I remembered.
Slowly we began to dance, to move as the stars sang their heavenly song above us. As the trees whispered the chorus, and the mountains hummed along.
I remembered His love for me.
He does love me.
Broken.
Ugly.
Sinful.
Liar.
Insecure.
Selfish.
Self obsessed.
Conceated.
Traitor.
Cheater.
Whore.
Unworthy.
These are the things that I name myself.
But I look into His eyes, and I see the truth.
He loves me.
And in that, because of that...I am none of these things, I am everything more.
I am
Beautiful.
Redeemed.
Loved.
Worthy.
Pure.
Righteous.
Funny.
Joyful.
Loyal.
Passionate.
Naked.
I remember.
I AM my beloved's...and He is mine.
Wednesday, July 17, 2013
I Hate it Honestly
scratch that.
I hate blogging honestly.
You know that feeling, where something is nagging at you? Something is pulling at your heart and won't leave you alone until you obey it's command?
It's that burning bush you try to get away from, but everywhere you turn it's in your path.
That's God with my blog.
He wants me to blog...but He wants me to blog honestly.
And honestly,
I hate it.
It's hard. It's scary. Some of the messages I recieve from people are mean and hurtful.
And it's hard to put all of yo bidness out there for everyone to see.
I mean honestly.
*ok rant done, commence to actualy post now*
I've been trying to draw close to the heart of God. I feel far from Him. I don't think He's far from me, but I feel far from Him. When I spend time alone with Him now there's something different about it, it's not like it used to be. There's something missing. And I think that something is me.
But what's even worse than that is the guilt.
I hate it.
I abhor it.
I wish it would die a slow, painful, torturous death.
Guilt is my enemy.
I'll feel it for no reason at all.
Getting dressed EVERY. MORNING. is a damned struggle. Why? Because I feel guilty! No matter what I wear I feel like it's the wrong choice. I feel guilty for wanting to look pretty, I feel guilty for feeling guilty, I feel gulity for wishing I had more clothes, I feel guilty for buying clothes. On and on it goes.
And all day long, guilt runs like an undercurrent in my life. I swim as hard as I can against the stream, but eventually I'm too tired to fight anymore.
Tonight I tried to spend time with God.
When I first came to Christ I would spend h o u r s worshipping. I'd put on music and candles and dance/sing for my Jesus (sorry Mom...that probably got annoying). But I couldn't get enough of Him. I wanted more. I had to have more. And I felt so free in His presence.
I was desperate tonight so I thought I'd try that.
BOOM.
Instantly felt the presence of God..so strongly I kept peeking my eyes open to see if He was standing in the room. I felt it so strongly I was scared and had to keep sitting down!!
And then I felt Him say in my spirit "Read your devotional". and I did! And it was all about feeling small in His presence, and how overwhelming it is, but how sitting in His presence is an act of worship. AWESOME! God was here and was talking to me weeehooo!!!
But it didn't change that undercurrent...
the one that kept us on opposite sides of the river. I could feel Him all around me, but it was different. I didnt feel free. I tried to look at Jesus but I couldn't see His face...He wouldn't come to me. It was confusing and hurtful.
I just laid down in defeat and cried.
G U I L T.
I started journaling and all I kept writing was...
"Who are you?"
"Who am I?"
"What is happening to me Jesus?"
"Why do I feel like this?"
"Who am I?"
There isn't a happily ever after to this post.
I don't have an answer...
All I know is I'm so frustrated I want to scream.
Why do I feel like this?
Why can't I escape it?
Who are you Jesus?
Who am I?
Tuesday, July 16, 2013
"You're Not Going To Get There On Peanuts My Dear" : I'M FULLY FUNDED
"You're not going to get there on peanuts my dear."
It's true, I couldn't fly to Micronesia on peanuts alone...but would God provide what I needed? The deadline was days away, and I still had over $1000 to raise to cover things like insurance and vaccinations. God is almighty, I knew that.
God wanted me in Micronesia, I knew that too.
God provides, I maybe knew that.
But did I believe He would do it for me? As the days grew closer I started to fear, to panic...would I get this close only to have it torn away from me at the last second?
One thing I've learned about God's timing is that He waits and waits and waits and waits, until it seems impossible so that when it does happen, it glorifies and magnifies His name...not mine.
And it DID HAPPEN! In one day I recieved over $1000!!
Which means that I now stand at being completley 100% fully funded!
The LORD is GOOD!
And now I feel like I've got Micronesian ants in my pants, and I'm doing a happy jig.
I can't WAIT to see how God completley breaks me during this trip. I hope I wrecked and ruined after it!
THINGS I'M EXPECTING TO HAPPEN ON THIS TRIP
Thank you to all of you who supported me, financially, in prayer, or by reading my blog.
I couldn't have done this without you and your love. I hope that you'll continue to follow with me and read about all the freaking amazing things that happen while I'm there!
And thank you Jesus, without you I'd still just be walking dead...you gave me life and life in abundance.
Now to Him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to Him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throught all generations, forever and ever. Amen.
-Ephesians 3:20
It's true, I couldn't fly to Micronesia on peanuts alone...but would God provide what I needed? The deadline was days away, and I still had over $1000 to raise to cover things like insurance and vaccinations. God is almighty, I knew that.
God wanted me in Micronesia, I knew that too.
God provides, I maybe knew that.
But did I believe He would do it for me? As the days grew closer I started to fear, to panic...would I get this close only to have it torn away from me at the last second?
One thing I've learned about God's timing is that He waits and waits and waits and waits, until it seems impossible so that when it does happen, it glorifies and magnifies His name...not mine.
And it DID HAPPEN! In one day I recieved over $1000!!
Which means that I now stand at being completley 100% fully funded!
The LORD is GOOD!
And now I feel like I've got Micronesian ants in my pants, and I'm doing a happy jig.
I can't WAIT to see how God completley breaks me during this trip. I hope I wrecked and ruined after it!
THINGS I'M EXPECTING TO HAPPEN ON THIS TRIP
- I'm expecting to overcome my overwhelming fear of the ocean. It's on an island, I'll be out of options.
- I'm expecting to overcome my fear of bugs. But I'm bringing a spacesuit... just in case.
- I'm expecting to be overwhelmed with God's love and love for others. I hope to come back understanding love in a way I never have before.
- I'm expecting to make deep lasting friendships.
- I'm expecting to be an amazing spear fisher. I hope.
- I'm expecting to be broken.
- I'm expecting to see and hear God in CRAY CRAY kinds of ways.
- I'm expecting to be totally suprised when God surpasses all my expectations.
Thank you to all of you who supported me, financially, in prayer, or by reading my blog.
I couldn't have done this without you and your love. I hope that you'll continue to follow with me and read about all the freaking amazing things that happen while I'm there!
And thank you Jesus, without you I'd still just be walking dead...you gave me life and life in abundance.
Now to Him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to Him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throught all generations, forever and ever. Amen.
-Ephesians 3:20
Thursday, June 27, 2013
What the Longings of My Heart Taught Me About The Heart of God
His provision alone would never be enough, it’s His
love..it’s the way He romances us with a kind word spoken through a stranger,
in the soft rain that falls, and the warm breeze that tousles your hair. It’s
in the way that He longs to know your heart, the way He could sit for hours
with you and never grow tired of hearing you. It’s in the way he pursues you
always, never relenting, never growing tired of speaking those words over you.
His heart is for you, its wrapped up in and around you. He longs for you, He
wants you, with everything He is…and you have no choice but to respond with the
same love, and together you are set on fire, and it is the most glorious
meeting of two souls you will ever knonw…yours and the one who created you.
It’s His love that brings us to Him again and again and again.
Lord forgive me for the ways that I haven’t pursued you. You
are the heart of the man, the pursuer, the leader, the provider. You romance me
and draw me out and make me come alive in your love…but you are also the heart
of a woman, I can look at the longings of my heart and find that they reside in
your heart too. They reflect the way you desire to be loved, to be seen as
captivating. You long for me to pour out my affections for you because they are
too great to contain, you desire for me to be so head over heels in love with
you that I can’t sleep or breath without you. You long for my passion, my
heart, my devotion, my care, my romance...just like I do. And I know the pain
you feel when I neglect to show you this love Jesus. Let me sing of your love
each morning and speak it tenderly to you each night. Let me shower you in
affection, because I am captivated by you Lord, I do love you with everything I
am.
We come fully alive in the love that pursues without rest,
in the heart that longs and pants for yours, in the fire that sets between you.
It is a blazing torch that guides you home in the dark, it is the warmth when
you are cold and afraid, it is the glow that brings life to your cheeks.
A
woman pursued comes alive, just as a woman who isn’t being pursued withers and
wilts. And this heart is the heart of God for his people. And this is the heart
of God for us onto himself. That we would go on pursueing one another in this
way.
It takes a heart, a whole heart…you cannot give only half or
only a piece, it will require everything. But a man or a woman in love never
thinks of the price, only of what it will feel like to hold your heart so close
to theirs. No woman wants scraps and left over pieces, instead we want to be special…special enough that someone would
go that extra mile…special enough that you would write us just to say you missed
us and were thinking of our smile, even if we’ve only been apart for five
minutes. And this is the heart of God, he wants to not only be a passing thought
throughout the day, he wants us to be captivated by Him.
I will pursue you. I will surrender it all to you, my whole
heart.
Thank you Jesus.
Wednesday, June 26, 2013
I Desperatley Need Your Help!
So the deadline for my the payment of my tuition is coming fast, in fact it is only 17 days away!
God has been incredibly faithful and abundantly generous through you all as people from all over, and from all walks of life, have come together to support me! It's so incredibly moving to see that people believe that God is working through you enough to sacrifice to see it happen.
But we aren't there yet!
I still have to raise $1277.07 by July 13th in order to go where God is calling me to go.
And I desperatley need your help for it to happen.
That amount seems large and scary to me and I wonder if this will happen, if this can happen...
but to my God, the God who parts seas and moves mountains, all things are possible.
If it's on your heart to help me go forward into this calling and be trained in Micronesia then please donate online by CLICKING HERE.
If you'd like to mail me a check or money order you can email me at
yasemee_dorning@yahoo.com for my address and additional details!
Thank you! <3
God has been incredibly faithful and abundantly generous through you all as people from all over, and from all walks of life, have come together to support me! It's so incredibly moving to see that people believe that God is working through you enough to sacrifice to see it happen.
But we aren't there yet!
I still have to raise $1277.07 by July 13th in order to go where God is calling me to go.
And I desperatley need your help for it to happen.
That amount seems large and scary to me and I wonder if this will happen, if this can happen...
but to my God, the God who parts seas and moves mountains, all things are possible.
If it's on your heart to help me go forward into this calling and be trained in Micronesia then please donate online by CLICKING HERE.
If you'd like to mail me a check or money order you can email me at
yasemee_dorning@yahoo.com for my address and additional details!
Thank you! <3
Wednesday, June 12, 2013
Coming Home
Please be praying for me,
I havn't been seeking God and I've just kind of been stagnant in my faith and it's like a slow death; mold is growing on my heart and its slowly hardening. I feel like my spirit wreaks of this putrified death that I've allowed to cultivate in my heart. How do those who don't know God go around living like this? It's so empty and horrible. I HATE it here. Once you've had living water, once you've seen Jesus laugh and smile and take your hand lovingly, there really is no turning back. I used to feast on pain, on excess, on alcohol and peoples praise, I used to feast on relationship, on media, on makeup and clothes, I used to feast on dreams centered around having more... they were like ashes in my mouth.
But then one day I was walking by a well and a man offered me a drink, a sip of living water. And the death and ashes burst forth into green life full of the most beauitful, wonderful tasting fruit, full of wildflowers and tall tress. An eden bloomed in my heart at that first taste. And when I look at the state of my heart today in comparison to that, I know the truth:
faith isn't stagnant.
Faith and love are ALIVE.
They grow and move and bloom.
But you have to tend them, you have to care for the Eden that excists in your heart or it withers and dies, overcome by weeds it strangles and chokes out. The once beautiful fruit begins to rot, and their poison seeps into your bones and into your soul, and destroys every green thing that ever lived there.
But I'm turning back now, and thankfull my beautiful, wonderful, passionate, playful God isn't back where I left Him. No, He's been following me all along. I've walked on for miles without my Jesus, but I turn around to come home and He's right there with opens arms. He never left. He whispers to me, "I have pursued you from the beggining, before time began you were mine and you will be mine long after it ends. I pursue you then & now, and I always will. I never tire of pursueing you, you are precious to me and honored. I love you."
A song by Michael Ketterer called Dusty Road captures the way I feel perfectly.
"And I've been gone, for a long time now... a wonderer, on this dusty road. And I'm crying out, I'm crying out for you God, to come to me... and lead me home.
And you meet me Father, on this dusty road. And you come with a ring, and you come with a robe. And you meeet me Father on this dusty road. And you wipe away my tears, and you lead me home."
I got a vision this morning for my life. I've been praying for a statement, for a vision statement from God of what my life ministry will be, of how I need to live each day. And today He told me my statement is this:
A life marked by devotion, holyness, and love. A life commited to showing Christ to others, and igniting a fire in the hearts of those around me. A life commited to bringing the kingdom to those who don't know him or have him yet. A life that is uncomfortable because it is full of loving broken people and giving everything I am for everything He is. A life lived for one thing and one thing alone: to surrender my heart, mind, body, and soul to Jesus Christ.
The Son is rising soon, and the night is almost done; the end is almost here and so close at hand.
I'm going to live like it.
This morning I got a vision of someone taking my hand, and as his calloused fingers weaved into mine I knowingly and lovingly looked up at my Saviour and whispered, "Hello old friend."
I have found the one whom my soul loves.
-Song of Solomon 3:4
I havn't been seeking God and I've just kind of been stagnant in my faith and it's like a slow death; mold is growing on my heart and its slowly hardening. I feel like my spirit wreaks of this putrified death that I've allowed to cultivate in my heart. How do those who don't know God go around living like this? It's so empty and horrible. I HATE it here. Once you've had living water, once you've seen Jesus laugh and smile and take your hand lovingly, there really is no turning back. I used to feast on pain, on excess, on alcohol and peoples praise, I used to feast on relationship, on media, on makeup and clothes, I used to feast on dreams centered around having more... they were like ashes in my mouth.
But then one day I was walking by a well and a man offered me a drink, a sip of living water. And the death and ashes burst forth into green life full of the most beauitful, wonderful tasting fruit, full of wildflowers and tall tress. An eden bloomed in my heart at that first taste. And when I look at the state of my heart today in comparison to that, I know the truth:
faith isn't stagnant.
Faith and love are ALIVE.
They grow and move and bloom.
But you have to tend them, you have to care for the Eden that excists in your heart or it withers and dies, overcome by weeds it strangles and chokes out. The once beautiful fruit begins to rot, and their poison seeps into your bones and into your soul, and destroys every green thing that ever lived there.
But I'm turning back now, and thankfull my beautiful, wonderful, passionate, playful God isn't back where I left Him. No, He's been following me all along. I've walked on for miles without my Jesus, but I turn around to come home and He's right there with opens arms. He never left. He whispers to me, "I have pursued you from the beggining, before time began you were mine and you will be mine long after it ends. I pursue you then & now, and I always will. I never tire of pursueing you, you are precious to me and honored. I love you."
A song by Michael Ketterer called Dusty Road captures the way I feel perfectly.
"And I've been gone, for a long time now... a wonderer, on this dusty road. And I'm crying out, I'm crying out for you God, to come to me... and lead me home.
And you meet me Father, on this dusty road. And you come with a ring, and you come with a robe. And you meeet me Father on this dusty road. And you wipe away my tears, and you lead me home."
I got a vision this morning for my life. I've been praying for a statement, for a vision statement from God of what my life ministry will be, of how I need to live each day. And today He told me my statement is this:
A life marked by devotion, holyness, and love. A life commited to showing Christ to others, and igniting a fire in the hearts of those around me. A life commited to bringing the kingdom to those who don't know him or have him yet. A life that is uncomfortable because it is full of loving broken people and giving everything I am for everything He is. A life lived for one thing and one thing alone: to surrender my heart, mind, body, and soul to Jesus Christ.
The Son is rising soon, and the night is almost done; the end is almost here and so close at hand.
I'm going to live like it.
This morning I got a vision of someone taking my hand, and as his calloused fingers weaved into mine I knowingly and lovingly looked up at my Saviour and whispered, "Hello old friend."
I have found the one whom my soul loves.
-Song of Solomon 3:4
Tuesday, May 21, 2013
Turning Pages
I havn't posted in a small while, but it feels like decades and so much has happened in such a short amount of time.
I feel delivered from so many things I struggled with the past few months; I believe it was a period where God was uprooting the last remnants of those particular sins. But there are other things I still strongly struggle with, like self image issues, but even those are growing smaller and smaller and Jesus shows me more and more and more of His love. Amazing love. Life changing love. Heart healing love. Sweet love. Jealous Love. Jesus love. :)
This morning I woke up and spent time with the Lord. He spoke over me things that made my heart sing and come alive. I love when He does that.
"Yasemee, I love you. I am smiling down on you. Continue to see me like this. Continue to see me first, even as your excitement brings a knowing smile to my lips. I am happy to see you in joy but do not hide who you are and what I am doing in your life becasue you fear the judgement. Trust me, truly trust me. There may be things I ask you to let go of, or things I ask you to step out into...Don't try to see, just be still and listen.
This is one of the biggest, it IS the biggest cliff you've faced in your walk with me. But do not be afraid dear girl, I will teach you what it is to fly. I will keep you in the safety of my wings.
I can tell, I know you are afraid but let me lead you, for I know the plans I have for you. Plans for a hope and a future, to prosper you and not to harm you Yasemee. I am jealous over you, I am your protector, I love you more deeply than all the oceans. My love is eternal and I am going to be pouring it on you for the rest of eternity. You are so sweet, so precious, so honored to me and I love your smile. I will lead you to green pastures beside still waters. I will lie you down in safety and betroth you to me forever. FOREVER you are mine.
I know all the hurts and pains and fears and they break my heart deeply. Trust me to guide you, trust me with your heart. Turning page is our song, I sing it over you because you are precious and honored and I love you.
I love you, you can trust me.
Take my hand.
'With a whisper we will tame the viscious seas, like a feather bringing kingdoms to their knees.' "
My Beloved is turning the pages in my life, to new lines...new verses, beautiful sweet notes I've never heard now play over me, the sounds they make leave me changed...leave me vunerable and open and reeling. The heart that beats inside my chest is no longer mine, it has been captured and captivated and beats to a new rhythm, to a new song.
There was pain, darkness, the sound of screams, of angry fists meeting flesh, of devestation and heartbreak, of things taken, of betrayal, of emptiness, there were nightmares, and paralyzing fears, tear soaked pillows, and blood stained sheets. They were the stories, the pages of my past.
They used to ring out like the echo of a gunshot, jarring, painful and reeking of death. I thought I would never escape them.
But His love is my turning page, and now only the sweetest words remain.
Every kiss is a cursive line, every touch is a redefined phrase.
The page has been turned. I've surrendered who I've been to who He is. My story has changed.
I am alive, I am free. I am free from it all.
Reedeemed & made whole from the love that He has poured out over my soul.
I have been restored & made new.
The page has turned,
and only the sweetest words remain. <3
...................................................................................................................................
Turning Page by Sleeping at Last (click here to listen)
I've waited a hundred years.
but i'd wait a million more for you.
nothing prepared me for
what the privilege of being yours would do.
If i had only felt the warmth within your touch,
if i had only seen how you smile when you blush,
or how you curl your lip when you concentrate enough,
I would have known what i was living for all along.
what i've been living for.
Your love is my turning page,
where only the sweetest words remain.
every kiss is a cursive line,
every touch is a redefining phrase.
I surrender who i've been for who you are,
for nothing makes me stronger than your fragile heart.
if i had only felt how it feels to be yours,
well, i would have known what I've been living for all along.
what i've been living for.
Though we're tethered to the story we must tell,
when i saw you, well, i knew we'd tell it well.
with a whisper, we will tame the vicious seas.
like a feather bringing kingdoms to their knees.
I feel delivered from so many things I struggled with the past few months; I believe it was a period where God was uprooting the last remnants of those particular sins. But there are other things I still strongly struggle with, like self image issues, but even those are growing smaller and smaller and Jesus shows me more and more and more of His love. Amazing love. Life changing love. Heart healing love. Sweet love. Jealous Love. Jesus love. :)
This morning I woke up and spent time with the Lord. He spoke over me things that made my heart sing and come alive. I love when He does that.
"Yasemee, I love you. I am smiling down on you. Continue to see me like this. Continue to see me first, even as your excitement brings a knowing smile to my lips. I am happy to see you in joy but do not hide who you are and what I am doing in your life becasue you fear the judgement. Trust me, truly trust me. There may be things I ask you to let go of, or things I ask you to step out into...Don't try to see, just be still and listen.
This is one of the biggest, it IS the biggest cliff you've faced in your walk with me. But do not be afraid dear girl, I will teach you what it is to fly. I will keep you in the safety of my wings.
I can tell, I know you are afraid but let me lead you, for I know the plans I have for you. Plans for a hope and a future, to prosper you and not to harm you Yasemee. I am jealous over you, I am your protector, I love you more deeply than all the oceans. My love is eternal and I am going to be pouring it on you for the rest of eternity. You are so sweet, so precious, so honored to me and I love your smile. I will lead you to green pastures beside still waters. I will lie you down in safety and betroth you to me forever. FOREVER you are mine.
I know all the hurts and pains and fears and they break my heart deeply. Trust me to guide you, trust me with your heart. Turning page is our song, I sing it over you because you are precious and honored and I love you.
I love you, you can trust me.
Take my hand.
'With a whisper we will tame the viscious seas, like a feather bringing kingdoms to their knees.' "
My Beloved is turning the pages in my life, to new lines...new verses, beautiful sweet notes I've never heard now play over me, the sounds they make leave me changed...leave me vunerable and open and reeling. The heart that beats inside my chest is no longer mine, it has been captured and captivated and beats to a new rhythm, to a new song.
There was pain, darkness, the sound of screams, of angry fists meeting flesh, of devestation and heartbreak, of things taken, of betrayal, of emptiness, there were nightmares, and paralyzing fears, tear soaked pillows, and blood stained sheets. They were the stories, the pages of my past.
They used to ring out like the echo of a gunshot, jarring, painful and reeking of death. I thought I would never escape them.
But His love is my turning page, and now only the sweetest words remain.
Every kiss is a cursive line, every touch is a redefined phrase.
The page has been turned. I've surrendered who I've been to who He is. My story has changed.
I am alive, I am free. I am free from it all.
Reedeemed & made whole from the love that He has poured out over my soul.
I have been restored & made new.
The page has turned,
and only the sweetest words remain. <3
...................................................................................................................................
Turning Page by Sleeping at Last (click here to listen)
I've waited a hundred years.
but i'd wait a million more for you.
nothing prepared me for
what the privilege of being yours would do.
If i had only felt the warmth within your touch,
if i had only seen how you smile when you blush,
or how you curl your lip when you concentrate enough,
I would have known what i was living for all along.
what i've been living for.
Your love is my turning page,
where only the sweetest words remain.
every kiss is a cursive line,
every touch is a redefining phrase.
I surrender who i've been for who you are,
for nothing makes me stronger than your fragile heart.
if i had only felt how it feels to be yours,
well, i would have known what I've been living for all along.
what i've been living for.
Though we're tethered to the story we must tell,
when i saw you, well, i knew we'd tell it well.
with a whisper, we will tame the vicious seas.
like a feather bringing kingdoms to their knees.
Thursday, May 16, 2013
Oh The Places You'll Go!
Hey guys!
I wanted to give you an update on my latest fundraising adventure!
Three months from today I will be in a plane heading to Micronesia! I have to fly just about 6529 miles which means about 39 hours of flying! YIKES!
(Actually I love flying and airports so I'm super excited!)
You can help me get there by donating a DOLLAR for EVERY MILE! You can donate for one mile or donate for multiple miles, the choice is yours! Simply visit my registry, leave a cash donation of at least $1 and a note saying "dollar for your miles".
At the end of the four weeks I'll calculate the donations and how many miles we covered!
If everyone donated and we were able to cover all the miles I'd be fully funded!
This fundraiser is only over the next four weeks! So make sure to check out the facebook page, like it, and get started!
Check out the facebook page by CLICKING HERE!
Or simply go straight to my registry and donate by CLICKING HERE!
Thank you for traveling with me in this adventure!
I wanted to give you an update on my latest fundraising adventure!
Three months from today I will be in a plane heading to Micronesia! I have to fly just about 6529 miles which means about 39 hours of flying! YIKES!
(Actually I love flying and airports so I'm super excited!)
You can help me get there by donating a DOLLAR for EVERY MILE! You can donate for one mile or donate for multiple miles, the choice is yours! Simply visit my registry, leave a cash donation of at least $1 and a note saying "dollar for your miles". At the end of the four weeks I'll calculate the donations and how many miles we covered!
If everyone donated and we were able to cover all the miles I'd be fully funded!
This fundraiser is only over the next four weeks! So make sure to check out the facebook page, like it, and get started!
Check out the facebook page by CLICKING HERE!
Or simply go straight to my registry and donate by CLICKING HERE!
Thank you for traveling with me in this adventure!
Monday, May 13, 2013
Fundraising Update: Halfway to My First Deadline!
God is amazing in how He provides for us. Seriously just amazing.
My bake sale raised $459! If you consider how much I spent in groceries it came to about $350 which is still absolutley amazing! The school and my peers were so supportive and encouraging! And I learned some really amazing life lessons.
1.God moves hearts in ways you couldn't imagine, even through chocolate chip cookies
2.Chocolate sells, things without chocolate don't.
3.You eat so much "taste testing" you have to make two batches of everything
4.Blessing people with food is amazing, and I loved that I could give back to people
On the SAME DAY I collected my funds from the bake sale, I recieved over $1000 in donations from supporters donating to my registry.
This means I have raised more than half of my first deadline!
I only have $1905 left to raise for my July 13th deadline!
If you would like to donate and help support me please click on the tab to the top-right under the"Help Support Me!" subheading.
Or simply CLICK HERE
Thank you for your hearts and your love. They move me to tears of joy and wonder more often than you know.
<3
My bake sale raised $459! If you consider how much I spent in groceries it came to about $350 which is still absolutley amazing! The school and my peers were so supportive and encouraging! And I learned some really amazing life lessons.
1.God moves hearts in ways you couldn't imagine, even through chocolate chip cookies
2.Chocolate sells, things without chocolate don't.
3.You eat so much "taste testing" you have to make two batches of everything
4.Blessing people with food is amazing, and I loved that I could give back to people
On the SAME DAY I collected my funds from the bake sale, I recieved over $1000 in donations from supporters donating to my registry.
This means I have raised more than half of my first deadline!
I only have $1905 left to raise for my July 13th deadline!
If you would like to donate and help support me please click on the tab to the top-right under the"Help Support Me!" subheading.
Or simply CLICK HERE
Thank you for your generosity, for believing in and supporting me. <3
Thank you for all those who have helped me by supporting me either financially, in prayer, or by following along and reading about my story.Thank you for your hearts and your love. They move me to tears of joy and wonder more often than you know.
<3
Sunday, May 5, 2013
My Banner Over You Is Love
This morning, God wrote me a poem/song.
I've been feeling so guilty, so unworthy, so unlovable. But He is so faithful to show me His love over and over again. I am so overcome with the love of My God, My King, My Saviour. For those of you who don't know Him, forget everything you've ever heard and run, run to Him with everything you are, with everything you have. He is exactly what you have ALWAYS been searching for. Oh, dear hearts, I know the pain that lies there... The feeling of never being loved, of being broken. I know the tears, the cries, and the heartbreaking loneliness. And I know the things you've done to keep it at bay, yes I know that too. But He says, "Come to me, I will give you such sweet rest for your soul." Did you know you are precious to Him? Did you know He delights over you? Pursues you? Speaks tenderly to you?
I am not pulling this out of thin air, it says it in the Bible, none of those are my words.
Maybe, just maybe, someone has everything you're looking for. And maybe, just maybe, you'll find it in the arms of the one who died to have you.
Did you know that someone loved you that much? That He would die just to have you?
It's true sweet ones, it's so unbelievably, beautifully true. Come to Him, and find rest for your souls. Come to Him and find everything you are. Don't walk, run.
My Banner Over You Is Love
by God the Father and Jesus too
Beautiful because I am,
I've held you since the beggining and before the universe began.
My darling, I have loved you with an everlasting love,
that never grows tired or weary.
My little princess is what you are,
and from your side I'll never part.
I have loved you from the very start,
and of you, I'll never grow tired or weary.
You are mine, and so you'll always be,
and nothing you could do could seperate you from me,
and so lift your song and sing to me,
because of your voice, I never grow tired or weary.
And when My Kingdom comes,
we'll join together in song,
and I'll hold you close as we twirl along,
right here, in my arms is where you've always belonged,
right here in my heart, that never grows tired or weary.
And I remember the day I dreamed you up,
as beautiful as a flower and as soft as a touch,
I knew with everything I am that I'd love you so much,
and never grow tired or weary.
My darling, don't you know what I see when I look at you?
I see, a woman, a Princess, a bride
and I long for you to see it too,
to find the beauty, the fire that lies within you.
Come to me, I never grow tired or weary.
And Before the universe began,
I held your small sweet hands in my hands,
couldn't wait for your life to begin,,
so I could show my love to you.
And we'll be singing for all eternity, you and I,
You never needed wings to be able to fly,
no, in My love, I'll lift you on high,
and declare My Banner over you.
It is love.
It is everlasting love,
and of you, Yasemee Rosemay,
I never grow tired.
I never grow weary.
I've been feeling so guilty, so unworthy, so unlovable. But He is so faithful to show me His love over and over again. I am so overcome with the love of My God, My King, My Saviour. For those of you who don't know Him, forget everything you've ever heard and run, run to Him with everything you are, with everything you have. He is exactly what you have ALWAYS been searching for. Oh, dear hearts, I know the pain that lies there... The feeling of never being loved, of being broken. I know the tears, the cries, and the heartbreaking loneliness. And I know the things you've done to keep it at bay, yes I know that too. But He says, "Come to me, I will give you such sweet rest for your soul." Did you know you are precious to Him? Did you know He delights over you? Pursues you? Speaks tenderly to you?
I am not pulling this out of thin air, it says it in the Bible, none of those are my words.
Maybe, just maybe, someone has everything you're looking for. And maybe, just maybe, you'll find it in the arms of the one who died to have you.
Did you know that someone loved you that much? That He would die just to have you?
It's true sweet ones, it's so unbelievably, beautifully true. Come to Him, and find rest for your souls. Come to Him and find everything you are. Don't walk, run.
My Banner Over You Is Love
by God the Father and Jesus too
Beautiful because I am,
I've held you since the beggining and before the universe began.
My darling, I have loved you with an everlasting love,
that never grows tired or weary.
My little princess is what you are,
and from your side I'll never part.
I have loved you from the very start,
and of you, I'll never grow tired or weary.
You are mine, and so you'll always be,
and nothing you could do could seperate you from me,
and so lift your song and sing to me,
because of your voice, I never grow tired or weary.
And when My Kingdom comes,
we'll join together in song,
and I'll hold you close as we twirl along,
right here, in my arms is where you've always belonged,
right here in my heart, that never grows tired or weary.
And I remember the day I dreamed you up,
as beautiful as a flower and as soft as a touch,
I knew with everything I am that I'd love you so much,
and never grow tired or weary.
My darling, don't you know what I see when I look at you?
I see, a woman, a Princess, a bride
and I long for you to see it too,
to find the beauty, the fire that lies within you.
Come to me, I never grow tired or weary.
And Before the universe began,
I held your small sweet hands in my hands,
couldn't wait for your life to begin,,
so I could show my love to you.
And we'll be singing for all eternity, you and I,
You never needed wings to be able to fly,
no, in My love, I'll lift you on high,
and declare My Banner over you.
It is love.
It is everlasting love,
and of you, Yasemee Rosemay,
I never grow tired.
I never grow weary.
Thursday, May 2, 2013
Pray for My Cupcakes!
Next week I will be hosting a bake sale at my school from the 6th-9th.
It's my first official fundraising venture and I'm so excited! My school has been so supportive of my calling to be a missionary and even let me speak to each class about where I'm going and why. God is so Good!
Some of the yummy delicious treats I'll be selling include (but aren't limited to)
I still need to raise $3622 by July 13th and another $3500 by September so if you would like to donate please do so by clicking on the tab to the top-right under the "Help Support Me!" subheading.Or simply CLICK HERE!
Please be lifting me and my bakesale up in prayer over the weekend and into next week! Here are some specific things you can pray for!
I can't wait to see how He moves over the next week. It's so amazing to serve a God who can move through a cupcake...especially a raspberry swirl creamcheese cupcake. mmm.
Blessed be the LORD, for He has wondrously shown his steadfast love to me - Psalm 31:21
It's my first official fundraising venture and I'm so excited! My school has been so supportive of my calling to be a missionary and even let me speak to each class about where I'm going and why. God is so Good!
Some of the yummy delicious treats I'll be selling include (but aren't limited to)
- Cranberry Breakfast Muffins
- Mini Cheesecakes
- Chocolate Chip Cookies
- Banana Bread
- Brownies
I still need to raise $3622 by July 13th and another $3500 by September so if you would like to donate please do so by clicking on the tab to the top-right under the "Help Support Me!" subheading.Or simply CLICK HERE!
Please be lifting me and my bakesale up in prayer over the weekend and into next week! Here are some specific things you can pray for!
- ask the Lord to provide abundantly through my bakesale
- pray that I wouldn't give into temptation and eat all goodies myself
- pray that people would be blessed through this
I can't wait to see how He moves over the next week. It's so amazing to serve a God who can move through a cupcake...especially a raspberry swirl creamcheese cupcake. mmm.
Blessed be the LORD, for He has wondrously shown his steadfast love to me - Psalm 31:21
Wednesday, May 1, 2013
Did I Just Get Married? Yes, I did.
*I'm really trying to be raw and honest about where I am in my life/walk so this post is coming straight from my journal. It's not perfectly written, but it's real. I pray so hard that it blesses you.*
I've been feeling down. Down isn't the word, I've been feeling depressed; so far from God, and even seeking I couldn't find Him. My conclusion?
That He left just like everyone else had. I kept trying to speak his truths over me. I felt weighted down by guilt, believing it was my sinfulness that drove Him away. That guilt would drive me into more sin, which in turn would make me feel more guilty. I couldn't shake it.
I hated myself
my sinfulness
my unworthiness.
I tried speaking the truths of scripture over myself...but I couldn't believe them in my heart. I felt frozen by despair, and nothing was cracking the ice around my heart.
Last night I sought out escape and "love" in the ways I used to...porn; I read romantic stories where at least I could feel loved for awhile (I believe that IS a type of porn).
But with the sunrise came the overpowering shame. I knew Jesus forgave me when I repented, but I felt farther from Him than ever.
A Misty Edwards song came on, she started singing, "You turn to your mother, you turn to your brother, you turn to your sister, and just walk away." She kept singing about how you look into everyones eyes for that feeling of being known, of being loved and you don't find it ...and then you look to your reflection. The song struck a chord with me so I came upstairs to play it, and my insides spilled out.
I sang about how angry I was, how broken I felt...how everyone walks away. Who could ever love me? I look at my reflection and even I walk away so why would anyone else stay?
And then Jesus came in.
He started singing through me saying,
"You've been looking for love in everyone else's eyes, you look at your reflection and walk away. But I don't see what you see when I look at you. Do you hear me? I don't see what you see, I don't see what you see. I don't see a girl who's broken and used, battered and bruised. I don't see someone to abandon and I'm never gonna walk away."
And then I saw the most vivid beautiful vision. It took over my eyesight.
It was Jesus,
in a tux, standing in front of me.
I was in my dream wedding dress.
He grabbed my face in His hands and pulled my forehead against His. He wept as He sang to me:
"I'm never gonna walk away, do you hear me? I'm never gonna walk away. I'm never gonna walk away, I'm never gonna walk away. I'm never gonna walk away."
The ice shattered and a dam broke forth. I cried over every hurt I've ever had, over everyone who's ever left, over everyone who broke my heart. I cried with a pain so deep all I could do was cling to Him. And Jesus wept with me. And sang over me again, over my pain.
"I'm never gonna walk away,
I 'm never gonna walk away,
I'm never gonna walk away.
I'm never gonna walk away. Do you hear me?"
We were both crying, foreheads pressed together, my face in His hands and Him in my arms. I could feel the pain in His love, the pain over my pain, the pain He felt in my fear. I could feel His love, and it reached the deepest parts of me and washed over me.
He showed me my fear of marriage, my fear of giving myself completley to someone, because what if they, like everyone, left?
And He sang again.
"I'm never gonna walk away, do you hear me? I'm never gonna walk away. Do you hear me? I'm never gonna walk away, I'm never gonna walk away."
And my tears of pain changed to tears of a love like I have never known, a love that was deeper than all the oceans. They became tears of joy as we both laughed, even as we wept, consumed by the radiance of this love.
That's how He sees me.
Beautiful
in a lace white dress that flows softly to the ground.
Radiant and alive in love.
I am His bride. He is my Beloved,
and there is a love like the world has never known.
A love I've dreamed of since I was a little girl. It's real. It's alive.
I found it in the arms of my saviour.
And now I know what my purpose is, I know it.
I was made for this love, I was made for this.
One day there may be a husband in my life who Christ will show me His love through. Someone I can trust, someone I can be safe with. I'm scared, but I'm also filled with hope.
I can still feel Him singing those words over me. They are the most beautiful words I've ever heard. They are written across my heart. Beloved, let me never forget them.
I love you.
I love you beautiful bride.
I've been feeling down. Down isn't the word, I've been feeling depressed; so far from God, and even seeking I couldn't find Him. My conclusion?
That He left just like everyone else had. I kept trying to speak his truths over me. I felt weighted down by guilt, believing it was my sinfulness that drove Him away. That guilt would drive me into more sin, which in turn would make me feel more guilty. I couldn't shake it.
I hated myself
my sinfulness
my unworthiness.
I tried speaking the truths of scripture over myself...but I couldn't believe them in my heart. I felt frozen by despair, and nothing was cracking the ice around my heart.
Last night I sought out escape and "love" in the ways I used to...porn; I read romantic stories where at least I could feel loved for awhile (I believe that IS a type of porn).
But with the sunrise came the overpowering shame. I knew Jesus forgave me when I repented, but I felt farther from Him than ever.
A Misty Edwards song came on, she started singing, "You turn to your mother, you turn to your brother, you turn to your sister, and just walk away." She kept singing about how you look into everyones eyes for that feeling of being known, of being loved and you don't find it ...and then you look to your reflection. The song struck a chord with me so I came upstairs to play it, and my insides spilled out.
I sang about how angry I was, how broken I felt...how everyone walks away. Who could ever love me? I look at my reflection and even I walk away so why would anyone else stay?
And then Jesus came in.
He started singing through me saying,
"You've been looking for love in everyone else's eyes, you look at your reflection and walk away. But I don't see what you see when I look at you. Do you hear me? I don't see what you see, I don't see what you see. I don't see a girl who's broken and used, battered and bruised. I don't see someone to abandon and I'm never gonna walk away."
And then I saw the most vivid beautiful vision. It took over my eyesight.
It was Jesus,
in a tux, standing in front of me.
I was in my dream wedding dress.
He grabbed my face in His hands and pulled my forehead against His. He wept as He sang to me:
"I'm never gonna walk away, do you hear me? I'm never gonna walk away. I'm never gonna walk away, I'm never gonna walk away. I'm never gonna walk away."
The ice shattered and a dam broke forth. I cried over every hurt I've ever had, over everyone who's ever left, over everyone who broke my heart. I cried with a pain so deep all I could do was cling to Him. And Jesus wept with me. And sang over me again, over my pain.
"I'm never gonna walk away,
I 'm never gonna walk away,
I'm never gonna walk away.
I'm never gonna walk away. Do you hear me?"
We were both crying, foreheads pressed together, my face in His hands and Him in my arms. I could feel the pain in His love, the pain over my pain, the pain He felt in my fear. I could feel His love, and it reached the deepest parts of me and washed over me.
He showed me my fear of marriage, my fear of giving myself completley to someone, because what if they, like everyone, left?
And He sang again.
"I'm never gonna walk away, do you hear me? I'm never gonna walk away. Do you hear me? I'm never gonna walk away, I'm never gonna walk away."
And my tears of pain changed to tears of a love like I have never known, a love that was deeper than all the oceans. They became tears of joy as we both laughed, even as we wept, consumed by the radiance of this love.
That's how He sees me.
Beautiful
in a lace white dress that flows softly to the ground.
Radiant and alive in love.
I am His bride. He is my Beloved,
and there is a love like the world has never known.
A love I've dreamed of since I was a little girl. It's real. It's alive.
I found it in the arms of my saviour.
And now I know what my purpose is, I know it.
I was made for this love, I was made for this.
One day there may be a husband in my life who Christ will show me His love through. Someone I can trust, someone I can be safe with. I'm scared, but I'm also filled with hope.
I can still feel Him singing those words over me. They are the most beautiful words I've ever heard. They are written across my heart. Beloved, let me never forget them.
"I'm never gonna walk away,
I'm never gonna walk away.
Do you hear me?
I'm never gonna walk away, I'm never gonna walk away."
I love you.
I love you beautiful bride.
Monday, April 29, 2013
Where The Hell Are You?
I'm sitting here weeping, sobbing actually.
I'm crying out the words "WHERE ARE YOU?" And it isn't the first time, in fact it brings me back to a time a year and a half ago, when I first acknowleged your presence. Do you remember it?
I spoke to you for the first time in my life (not including when I used to pray on the toilet as a little girl...story for another time)...
I sat in the dark, propped up against my pillows I dug down deep and tried to understand why I was resisting believing in this..this Jesus. This "Holy Man."This "Messiah."
What bubbled up out of me was something I didn't expect...
a deep anger and feeling of betrayal broke out and I began sobbing and crying out "Where were you? Where were you?" Through all the hurt pain and abuse where were you God? Through of the lies and cheating and feeling worthless where were you Jesus? Through all of the harsh words, blunt blows to her face, and a fear that was paralyzing and gutwrenching where were you?
A year and four months later I'm sitting here much the same.
And I'm crying out where are you?
Where are you?
I feel so far from you latley Lord. You are moving, you are acting in my life...but I see it all from a place of detachment. I am no longer awed by your hand in my life..I no longer record each and every "God moment," small or big, in my journal. I see your hand, and at times it's slightly exciting but that's about as far as it goes. What is happening?
I feel abandoned by you.
I feel betrayed.
I feel like you don't love me.
Do you remember the night Jesus when I asked you to never leave me...everyone has always left, and I was so scared that you would too. And so I cried out to you, weeping desperatley, begging you to stay. And I remember exactly what you said in response..the song playing softly in the background began to sing "Nothing you can do or say, can take my love away from you child."
And I laughed as I knew with more certainty than I had ever known anything, that you would never leave me.
Yet here I sit. And I'm crying out to you Lord..
Where the hell are you?
I havn't been seeking you. I don't know how it happened. Actually that's a lie. I do know.
I got busy.
Work. School. Fundraising. Preparing to leave. Worrying. Worrying. Worrying.
I stopped imagining you sitting next to me. I stopped feeling your hand in mine. I stopped waking up early to get in time with you. I stopped making sure to get time with you each night. I just stopped it all...and your voice became quieter and quieter. My time with you has resorted to half attempts to read my Bible while simultaneously planning my next fundraising event, or going over my the homework I still need to get done. And that's if I even get to the Bible part. Which latley I havn't.
Remember how just a few weeks ago your voice was the sweetest thing in the world to me? I craved it, I desired it, I couldn't get enough of you. I saw you everywhere, in everything. All I wanted was more. I cried out for more. I wept for more. It was amazing and glorious.
If I even went half a day without seeking you I'd fall apart and feel like I was in the desert. Well it's been a week or two and I'm no longer in the desert, instead I'm drowning.
I feel so angry Lord, and I don't even know why. I feel angry at you, I feel angry at people back home who I feel have abandoned me. I feel angry that they havn't made more of an effort to contact me. I feel angry that I am nothing more than an inconveniance to contact, or that's how it seems anyway. And ultimatley Lord I guess I'm mad at you. For not showing up now that I am here, now that I am seeking you, you are incredibly silent.
I don't feel like you love me..I don't see how you could.
I feel useless.
I feel empty.
Waste of space is what I hear the enemy whispering.."Waste of space, who could ever love you? Who would want to?"
I wish I had the heart to tell him to go to hell. But I'm so tired.
I just want to be with you Jesus. I just want to be walking with you, in close communion with you. I don't care if it's here, in Micronesia, or in timbuktu..I just want you. I need you. I'm desperate for you.
Nothing makes sense when you aren't near. I feel confused and broken when I'm not engulfed in your presence. I am only ever myself when I am with you and when you are far away I feel like an enemy to my own soul. I feel the inner demons gain strength and try to take back the ground they have lost and I rip myself into pieces.
I need you tonight Jesus. Please. I am exhausted and I can't do this anymore.
You have to come in tonight. You have to meet me here.
I'm begging you.
I'm crying out the words "WHERE ARE YOU?" And it isn't the first time, in fact it brings me back to a time a year and a half ago, when I first acknowleged your presence. Do you remember it?
I spoke to you for the first time in my life (not including when I used to pray on the toilet as a little girl...story for another time)...
I sat in the dark, propped up against my pillows I dug down deep and tried to understand why I was resisting believing in this..this Jesus. This "Holy Man."This "Messiah."
What bubbled up out of me was something I didn't expect...
a deep anger and feeling of betrayal broke out and I began sobbing and crying out "Where were you? Where were you?" Through all the hurt pain and abuse where were you God? Through of the lies and cheating and feeling worthless where were you Jesus? Through all of the harsh words, blunt blows to her face, and a fear that was paralyzing and gutwrenching where were you?
A year and four months later I'm sitting here much the same.
And I'm crying out where are you?
Where are you?
I feel so far from you latley Lord. You are moving, you are acting in my life...but I see it all from a place of detachment. I am no longer awed by your hand in my life..I no longer record each and every "God moment," small or big, in my journal. I see your hand, and at times it's slightly exciting but that's about as far as it goes. What is happening?
I feel abandoned by you.
I feel betrayed.
I feel like you don't love me.
Do you remember the night Jesus when I asked you to never leave me...everyone has always left, and I was so scared that you would too. And so I cried out to you, weeping desperatley, begging you to stay. And I remember exactly what you said in response..the song playing softly in the background began to sing "Nothing you can do or say, can take my love away from you child."
And I laughed as I knew with more certainty than I had ever known anything, that you would never leave me.
Yet here I sit. And I'm crying out to you Lord..
Where the hell are you?
I havn't been seeking you. I don't know how it happened. Actually that's a lie. I do know.
I got busy.
Work. School. Fundraising. Preparing to leave. Worrying. Worrying. Worrying.
I stopped imagining you sitting next to me. I stopped feeling your hand in mine. I stopped waking up early to get in time with you. I stopped making sure to get time with you each night. I just stopped it all...and your voice became quieter and quieter. My time with you has resorted to half attempts to read my Bible while simultaneously planning my next fundraising event, or going over my the homework I still need to get done. And that's if I even get to the Bible part. Which latley I havn't.
Remember how just a few weeks ago your voice was the sweetest thing in the world to me? I craved it, I desired it, I couldn't get enough of you. I saw you everywhere, in everything. All I wanted was more. I cried out for more. I wept for more. It was amazing and glorious.
If I even went half a day without seeking you I'd fall apart and feel like I was in the desert. Well it's been a week or two and I'm no longer in the desert, instead I'm drowning.
I feel so angry Lord, and I don't even know why. I feel angry at you, I feel angry at people back home who I feel have abandoned me. I feel angry that they havn't made more of an effort to contact me. I feel angry that I am nothing more than an inconveniance to contact, or that's how it seems anyway. And ultimatley Lord I guess I'm mad at you. For not showing up now that I am here, now that I am seeking you, you are incredibly silent.
I don't feel like you love me..I don't see how you could.
I feel useless.
I feel empty.
Waste of space is what I hear the enemy whispering.."Waste of space, who could ever love you? Who would want to?"
I wish I had the heart to tell him to go to hell. But I'm so tired.
I just want to be with you Jesus. I just want to be walking with you, in close communion with you. I don't care if it's here, in Micronesia, or in timbuktu..I just want you. I need you. I'm desperate for you.
Nothing makes sense when you aren't near. I feel confused and broken when I'm not engulfed in your presence. I am only ever myself when I am with you and when you are far away I feel like an enemy to my own soul. I feel the inner demons gain strength and try to take back the ground they have lost and I rip myself into pieces.
I need you tonight Jesus. Please. I am exhausted and I can't do this anymore.
You have to come in tonight. You have to meet me here.
I'm begging you.
Seeing Her as My Sister In Christ
The struggle of being released from my soul tie (the one I spoke about in my last post) has not been easy. My flesh responded by trying to attach harder than ever before, and it was exhausting to feel so torn between wanting the Lord and still wanting this relationship.
At church today my Pastor taught us that sin means to "miss the mark" (the mark being God's will for every specific area of our lives). I miss this mark, the bullseye, constantly.
I'm lazy and don't spend my time doing what the Lord is calling me too.
Missed the mark.
I still struggle with addictions to lust...
and give in.
Missed the mark.
I need to save every last penny I have for missions... I buy the creme donut from Robins, its only .90cents after all.
Missed the mark.
I need to spend time with the Lord so I turn it into a checklist.
Missed the mark.
The list goes on and on, but the main arrow the Lord was trying to realign with the bullseye was my friendship with this woman. I could feel Him calling me to walk in freedom in this relationship, to walk in holyness...but I just didn't know how. I was trying with everything in me, kind of, and I just didn't know how to break free. I felt exhausted from fighting it.
But the Lord is good, and tonight while talking we experienced true freedom! We began spontaneously crying out to the Lord for help and for healing, praying over eachother and over ourselves. Jesus showed up in big ways and answered those prayers;
tonight we both looked at eachother as sisters in Christ for the first time...and in that moment the bonds broke & the chains smashed into pieces.
We began laughing and joyously praising Him.Sisters in Christ. SISTERS in CHRIST! This was the very first time we had looked at eachother as sisters. And it was beautiful. To love her, but love her rightly? What an amazing gift from the Lord! From the One who came to bind up the broken hearted and proclaim freedom to the captives: He worked out this verse in our friendship tonight and we are free, & free indeed.
For anyone of you out there struggling with a situation similar to this, get on your knees and ask the Lord to reveal the way you should see this other person. We are blind, and do not have the eyes to see...but ask and He will give them to you; then you will be able to watch as He transforms your love into something beautiful and holy, that brings Him all the glory.
"Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you."
-Matthew 7:7
let’s dance!
on stars!
oh lets sing it out across the milky way,
let’s spread it out across the sun
like a banner in the sky,
and speak of the day the Lord broke our chains,
gave us wings to fly.
Let’s soar above the sights,
you and I,
hearts and voices lifted high.
Free,
gloriously free.
Ohh and it’s a love like I’ve never known,
but I want to know it more,
want to dig my toes into the sand of its shore,
let it's soft cool waters run over my skin.
Gloriously free,
we begin.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I still have $3686 left to raise before July 13th. If you would like to donate and help support me please click on the tab to the top-right under the "Help Support Me!" subheading.
Or simply CLICK HERE
At church today my Pastor taught us that sin means to "miss the mark" (the mark being God's will for every specific area of our lives). I miss this mark, the bullseye, constantly.
I'm lazy and don't spend my time doing what the Lord is calling me too.
Missed the mark.
I still struggle with addictions to lust...
and give in.
Missed the mark.
I need to save every last penny I have for missions... I buy the creme donut from Robins, its only .90cents after all.
Missed the mark.
I need to spend time with the Lord so I turn it into a checklist.
Missed the mark.
The list goes on and on, but the main arrow the Lord was trying to realign with the bullseye was my friendship with this woman. I could feel Him calling me to walk in freedom in this relationship, to walk in holyness...but I just didn't know how. I was trying with everything in me, kind of, and I just didn't know how to break free. I felt exhausted from fighting it.
But the Lord is good, and tonight while talking we experienced true freedom! We began spontaneously crying out to the Lord for help and for healing, praying over eachother and over ourselves. Jesus showed up in big ways and answered those prayers;
tonight we both looked at eachother as sisters in Christ for the first time...and in that moment the bonds broke & the chains smashed into pieces.
We began laughing and joyously praising Him.Sisters in Christ. SISTERS in CHRIST! This was the very first time we had looked at eachother as sisters. And it was beautiful. To love her, but love her rightly? What an amazing gift from the Lord! From the One who came to bind up the broken hearted and proclaim freedom to the captives: He worked out this verse in our friendship tonight and we are free, & free indeed.
For anyone of you out there struggling with a situation similar to this, get on your knees and ask the Lord to reveal the way you should see this other person. We are blind, and do not have the eyes to see...but ask and He will give them to you; then you will be able to watch as He transforms your love into something beautiful and holy, that brings Him all the glory.
"Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you."
-Matthew 7:7
We Begin
let’s dance!
on stars!
oh lets sing it out across the milky way,
let’s spread it out across the sun
like a banner in the sky,
and speak of the day the Lord broke our chains,
gave us wings to fly.
Let’s soar above the sights,
you and I,
hearts and voices lifted high.
Free,
gloriously free.
Ohh and it’s a love like I’ve never known,
but I want to know it more,
want to dig my toes into the sand of its shore,
let it's soft cool waters run over my skin.
Gloriously free,
we begin.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I still have $3686 left to raise before July 13th. If you would like to donate and help support me please click on the tab to the top-right under the "Help Support Me!" subheading.
Or simply CLICK HERE
Thank you for your generosity, for believing in and supporting me. <3
Wednesday, April 24, 2013
I'm Going to Be Real With You For the First Time
I always feel the need to say what it is I KNOW is right and not be honest about what I'm actually feeling. I don't think that's entirely bad, because I it is wrong to let our emotions be the ruling voice in our lives, but to never be vunerable, never be honest and raw, is wrong too. This is one area God has been speaking to me about: being real.
Real about where I am.
Real about what I'm feeling.
Real about my struggle.
Not where I should be but where I am.
With that being said...
this is probably the scariest thing I have ever posted in my life. But I am no longer giving power to secret things. I am exposing my weakness because they speak of Christ's strength. Take it or leave it, this is where I am and what the LORD is bringing me through.
I pray it blesses you.
*name has been changed
Real about where I am.
Real about what I'm feeling.
Real about my struggle.
Not where I should be but where I am.
With that being said...
this is probably the scariest thing I have ever posted in my life. But I am no longer giving power to secret things. I am exposing my weakness because they speak of Christ's strength. Take it or leave it, this is where I am and what the LORD is bringing me through.
I pray it blesses you.
......................................................................................................
Since I was very young I have struggled and still struggle with homosexuality. I wouldn't have called it a struggle until I knew Jesus, it was just who I used to be, but now I see it differently. Now I know the love of Christ and what He is calling me too. Now I see, because my eyes have been opened.
I also struggle with feeling unloved and seeking my validation in the way others care or don't care about me. This has put me in places of deep, deep pain and devestation in my life. I have allowed myself to be abused sexually, emotionally, and physically, solely for the hope of finally gaining love and acceptance from someone. I have also caused deep pain and destruction.
Recently I fell in a relationship with another woman. She was/is my best friend. She is beautiful, inside and out. Our soul-tie was designed by God: an instant deep connection formed between two-like souls. But as we humans are want to do, I took what God created for good and twisted it for evil. Over time the friendship turned, becoming more and more intimate.
I felt known. I felt loved. I felt whole and complete. I felt worthy. I felt attractive. I felt wanted.
And that lie Satan had been feeding me my whole life "Nobody loves you." Became quieter and quieter...or so I believed.
Someone once told me, "sin always takes you deeper than you want to go, and keeps you longer than you want to stay."
Over time, we knew our friendship had to come to end. But if I am totally honest I didn't belive I was in too deep. I thought maybe I was treading water, but the shore was right behind me, I could turn around and swim home anytime I wanted. Apparently, I am in the habit of fooling myself.
I didn't realize how deeply my heart had entangled with hers, but as she began to pull away, the Holy Spirit revealed it to me; I felt like I was drowning.
I was angry, hurt, and broken. I felt like I could barely breathe.
The most painful thought of all, was the realization that she would eventually move on.
The hardest part of letting go, is the validation of rejection it brings. I've been rejected enough, the last thing I wanted was one more experience that told me what I already knew to be true: I will never be enough. I heard satan's slippery, filthy voice slither past me, "See? Nobody loves you."
BUT...
"He who began a good work in you, will bring it to completion." - Phillipians 1:6
Tonight at my Encounter God class we focused on severing innappropriate soul ties.
My friend Hilary* and I were completley honest and naked about our pasts, about our sins involving inappropriate sexual and emotional soul ties. We each made a list of names and confessed and severed, in the name of Jesus, each one. Each name I crossed off brought a new sense of freedom, of a lightness in my spirit.
But I saved the hardest for last.
But I saved the hardest for last.
As we sat in Hilary's car, I confessed my emotioinal soul tie to the woman who had become my best friend, and in my heart had also become much more than that. I cried as I confessed the honest truth: I didn't want to cut this tie, I wanted to be with her. We had decided in order to seek Christ that we couldn't be friends for the time being, we hadn't talked in days and I missed her; I just wanted her back. I didn't want to move on, but I repented, hoping in the steadfastness and faithfulness of the Lord, and Hilary severed the tie. With a trembling hand I crossed my friend's name off of my list and ripped it into pieces.
We drove away and decided to toss our lists into the night, to be done with them once and for all.
As I held my hand out the window and released the ripped pieces, the remnants and shackles of my old heart scattered away into the wind.
I took in a deep and long breath of the cool night air,
it tasted like freedom.
Whom the Son sets free, is free indeed.
*name has been changed
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I still have $3800 left to raise before July 13th. If you would like to donate and help support me please click on the tab to the top-right under the "Help Support Me!" subheading.
Monday, April 22, 2013
I Need You! Yes, YOU!
As most of you know from my last blog I was accepted to Iris Ministries Harvest
School in Micronesia (a 3-month intensive missionary training school beginning
August 19-October 19). While in the school I will be doing/learning amazing things! I will be:
In order to attend the school and the long-term mission assignment after, I must raise a total of $8300.
This will cover the costs of tuition and airfare/travel for the school and mission. I must raise
$4600 of those costs by July 13th in order to attend and the remaining $3700 by September 1st.
But I cannot do this without your support financially & in prayer!
Ø
Applying to be a long term missionary with Iris
Ministries.
Ø
In prayer with my leaders to discern what people
group/nation the Lord is calling me too.
I will then be trained how to reach that specific people group.
Ø
Taught practical skills for missionary living
& taught to lead lives and ministries in the supernatural presence of the
Lord through healing and miracles.
Ø
Go out into the surrounding communities of
Micronesia for practical training to see the island completely transformed by
the His love.
I'm so excited!! Waaa!
While at this school I'll be challenged, pushed taught, and stretched beyond anything I'm currently able to concieve. The unknowns stretch out before me like a blank canvas, but two things are certain:
While at this school I'll be challenged, pushed taught, and stretched beyond anything I'm currently able to concieve. The unknowns stretch out before me like a blank canvas, but two things are certain:
the One who holds the brush & that I will be beautifully, irrevocably changed.
In order to attend the school and the long-term mission assignment after, I must raise a total of $8300.
This will cover the costs of tuition and airfare/travel for the school and mission. I must raise
$4600 of those costs by July 13th in order to attend and the remaining $3700 by September 1st.
This journey is not one I will be taking alone, but one that you and I must take together. By partnering with me through your prayers and finances you support the Kingdom and help to bring the name and love of Jesus through me. My journey becomes your journey, and this mission becomes one that we adventure through together.
If you would like to give to help finance me & lift me up in prayer I appreciate it and am so
sincerely grateful for your support.
Whether you can give $1 or $100 every little bit helps and I consider it
a blessing to have you partner with me in bringing His kingdom to every heart.
“Our Father is a
king. And his kingdom is ready to invade on earth as it is in heaven." -
Clint Bokelman
.................................................................................................................
To donate online
Cheque/Money order
Please make payable to Yasemee Dorning
email me at yasemee_dorning@yahoo.com for address details
Saturday, April 20, 2013
I WAS ACCEPTED!
THIS PAST WEEK I WAS ACCEPTED TO IRIS MINISTRIES HARVEST SCHOOL IN MICRONESIA!!
After telling this to a few people over the course of this week I realized one major thing:
NO ONE KNOWS WHERE THAT IS!
So here's a map! Do you see that huge arrow? And that teeny dot it's pointing too? THAT'S Micronesia!
The school is an intensive 3-month training program focusing on people who desire to go immediatley into the mission field. During the school I'll be applying to work as a long term missionary with Iris Ministires and if I am accepted immediatley after I'll be sent off!
I seriously cannot wait to begin this journey!
I will be continueing to post about my experiences as I prepare to leave, begin my fundraising process (support letters are being sent out next week!), and say goodbye to everything I have ever known! I will also continue to post about my experiences after I arrive at the school and into my missions trips afterwards! I really am so excited (and maybe a little nervous too) and can't wait to see what the Lord does in my life and the lives of others through this!
"...For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord,
"Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future..."
-Jeremiah 29:11
After telling this to a few people over the course of this week I realized one major thing:
NO ONE KNOWS WHERE THAT IS!
So here's a map! Do you see that huge arrow? And that teeny dot it's pointing too? THAT'S Micronesia!
The school is an intensive 3-month training program focusing on people who desire to go immediatley into the mission field. During the school I'll be applying to work as a long term missionary with Iris Ministires and if I am accepted immediatley after I'll be sent off!
I seriously cannot wait to begin this journey!
I will be continueing to post about my experiences as I prepare to leave, begin my fundraising process (support letters are being sent out next week!), and say goodbye to everything I have ever known! I will also continue to post about my experiences after I arrive at the school and into my missions trips afterwards! I really am so excited (and maybe a little nervous too) and can't wait to see what the Lord does in my life and the lives of others through this!
"...For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord,
"Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future..."
-Jeremiah 29:11
Thursday, April 18, 2013
I Heard Jesus Speak Today
Today I was feeling guilty and full of shame over the sin in my life and my lack of perfection. I feel like this a majority of the time and am constantly in a state of beating myself up and trying harder to be better. It is so exhausting and disheartening because when you are under the Law, there is no hope.
Jesus called me to Him and after asking me to repent and confess these things He spoke to me the most beautiful words through a vision. I 'll share it here and I hope that if any of you struggle with these things He speaks to you through this vision as well!!
"You are my child, come to me as my child. When a child falls and gets hurt she doesn't worry about the fact that she has fallen, that maybe she isn't good enough to call out to her Daddy, she just cries out to Him and He comes and holds her. Children are sticky, covered in jam, dirt, and bleeding from their scraped knee but they don't worry about any of those things as their Daddy scoops them up, and niether does He."
Then Father God showed me a snow white owl flying over a forest at night in the light of the moon, and said, "It is beautiful." Then I saw a bee sitting on a flower, and the LORD said, "Is it good?" And I said, "Yes." Then the Lord said, "The owl is beautiful becasue I AM Beautiful, the bee is good because I AM Good." Then I saw a tree and He said, "Is it intricate, and complex, and life giving?" And I said, "Yes." Then the LORD spoke again and said, "It is intricate and complex and life giving because I AM intricate and complex and life giving."
"Yasemee. You are beautiful because I AM Beautiful. You are good, because I AM Good. And you are intricate, complex, and life giving because I AM intricate, and complex, and life giving. Be transformed my child, by the revelation that I AM within you. I AM made perfect in your weakness. It is no longer you who live, but I who live through you."
<3
Jesus called me to Him and after asking me to repent and confess these things He spoke to me the most beautiful words through a vision. I 'll share it here and I hope that if any of you struggle with these things He speaks to you through this vision as well!!
"You are my child, come to me as my child. When a child falls and gets hurt she doesn't worry about the fact that she has fallen, that maybe she isn't good enough to call out to her Daddy, she just cries out to Him and He comes and holds her. Children are sticky, covered in jam, dirt, and bleeding from their scraped knee but they don't worry about any of those things as their Daddy scoops them up, and niether does He."
Then Father God showed me a snow white owl flying over a forest at night in the light of the moon, and said, "It is beautiful." Then I saw a bee sitting on a flower, and the LORD said, "Is it good?" And I said, "Yes." Then the Lord said, "The owl is beautiful becasue I AM Beautiful, the bee is good because I AM Good." Then I saw a tree and He said, "Is it intricate, and complex, and life giving?" And I said, "Yes." Then the LORD spoke again and said, "It is intricate and complex and life giving because I AM intricate and complex and life giving."
"Yasemee. You are beautiful because I AM Beautiful. You are good, because I AM Good. And you are intricate, complex, and life giving because I AM intricate, and complex, and life giving. Be transformed my child, by the revelation that I AM within you. I AM made perfect in your weakness. It is no longer you who live, but I who live through you."
<3
Tuesday, April 9, 2013
A 365 Day Journey: Saying No to Makeup & Discovering My Beauty in Christ
The Holy Spirit has been speaking to me about sin in my life, about things in my life that do not glorify Him.
He is changing me and most of the time I really don't like it.
Before I knew Christ I thought all I had to offer was my appearance, at least that's what the world told me. At one point in my life the desire to appear "perfect" was so intense that I would spend HOURS trying to pick an outfit and if I couldn't I wouldn't leave the house. I'd end up blowing THOUSANDS of dollars on clothes and still not feel satisfied. I compared myself to every woman I saw, every girl who was prettier or more stylish than me was better than me. It was an exhausting way to live, but I didn't know how to get out of the cycle. Plus, if the clothes and makeup came off, who would I be? More than that, who would love me?
Once I met Christ He began teaching me that my worth isn't in my appearance, it's in Him. I thought we had dealt with it completley when I successfully abstained from wearing makeup for 3 months, but apparently the roots ran deeper than I originally thought. If there's one thing I've learned it's that Jesus isn't in the habits of only doing a job halfway, He keeps going until it's done, until He has it all.
I stopped wearing makeup four weeks ago. What was only supposed to be a two week stint slowly stretched on into three and then four. I watched the days tick by wondering when I would be allowed to wear makeup again because I felt disgusting.
Actually that's not true...
I felt disgusting when I was around other women wearing makeup, but when I wasn't around them and was focusing on Jesus I felt more free and beautiful than ever.
Then, a few days ago I had a meltdown at church. I couldn't find an outfit, my hair looked crazy, and I had no makeup on. THAT was enough to ruin my day. In fact it was so bad that when I got to church I went into a stall in the bathroom and cried. I couldn't bear the thought of facing people looking like this, I couldn't bear the thought of everyone seeing how broken and messy I was. It was visible on my naked face; I had N O T H I N G to hide behind. The only way I was able to leave the bathroom was by putting on a few coats of mascara.
The Holy Spirit was exposing the root that was still tangled down deep inside of me. The root that was claiming a space that only the Lord is supposed to occupy.
Then Holy Spirit spoke, spoke something I DID NOT want to hear.
"Make a commitment to not wear makeup for a year."
Ummmm...
do you realize what that entails?? I live in WINNIPEG! Home to some of the most street stylish people I've ever seen, a place where makeup and style run rampant and appearance is everything. More than that I have a wedding to attend in a few months! That would mean no makeup for holiday family pictures! ARE YOU CRAZY!?
I half complied and threw away all of my makeup, but I "secretly" kept it in the trashcan in my room. Just in case.
BUT HE WOULDN'T LEAVE ME ALONE. He kept saying it over and over and over.
Today I felt ugly and disgusting.
I came home and put makeup on and it was like being able to breath.
Which is pathetic.
That was the breaking point,I couldn't stand to let this have this much power over me! Not. Anymore.
I placed my tube of mascara on my dresser. Standing it straight up in the middle I got on my knees before it and looked at it, asking myself, "This or Jesus?"
The answer was painfully obvious.
I took every piece of makeup I have, all my lipsticks, shadows, creams, powders, blushes, brushes, liners and threw it away. OUTSIDE in the REAL TRASH this time (which will be picked up tomorrow morning at 5am...the Lord's timing is ironically perfect). Don't think there isn't a part of me that wants to run out and frantically dig it out, clutching it tightly to my chest because there is...
B U T
I refuse to bow down before a tube of mascara, I refuse to find my worth in ANYTHING but Jesus.
So here's to the beggining of a 365 day journey of discovering my beauty in the most beautiful man I've ever known, Jesus Christ.
"So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day...as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen." - 2 Corinthians 4:16,18
"For what is exalted by men is an abomination in the sight of God."- Luke 16:15
"Set your hope fully on the grace that will be brought to you at the revelation of Jesus Christ. As obedient children, do not be conformed to the passoins of your former ignorance, but as he who called you is holy, you also be holy in all your conduct." - 1 Peter 1:13-15
He is changing me and most of the time I really don't like it.
Before I knew Christ I thought all I had to offer was my appearance, at least that's what the world told me. At one point in my life the desire to appear "perfect" was so intense that I would spend HOURS trying to pick an outfit and if I couldn't I wouldn't leave the house. I'd end up blowing THOUSANDS of dollars on clothes and still not feel satisfied. I compared myself to every woman I saw, every girl who was prettier or more stylish than me was better than me. It was an exhausting way to live, but I didn't know how to get out of the cycle. Plus, if the clothes and makeup came off, who would I be? More than that, who would love me?
Once I met Christ He began teaching me that my worth isn't in my appearance, it's in Him. I thought we had dealt with it completley when I successfully abstained from wearing makeup for 3 months, but apparently the roots ran deeper than I originally thought. If there's one thing I've learned it's that Jesus isn't in the habits of only doing a job halfway, He keeps going until it's done, until He has it all.
I stopped wearing makeup four weeks ago. What was only supposed to be a two week stint slowly stretched on into three and then four. I watched the days tick by wondering when I would be allowed to wear makeup again because I felt disgusting.
Actually that's not true...
I felt disgusting when I was around other women wearing makeup, but when I wasn't around them and was focusing on Jesus I felt more free and beautiful than ever.
Then, a few days ago I had a meltdown at church. I couldn't find an outfit, my hair looked crazy, and I had no makeup on. THAT was enough to ruin my day. In fact it was so bad that when I got to church I went into a stall in the bathroom and cried. I couldn't bear the thought of facing people looking like this, I couldn't bear the thought of everyone seeing how broken and messy I was. It was visible on my naked face; I had N O T H I N G to hide behind. The only way I was able to leave the bathroom was by putting on a few coats of mascara.
The Holy Spirit was exposing the root that was still tangled down deep inside of me. The root that was claiming a space that only the Lord is supposed to occupy.
Then Holy Spirit spoke, spoke something I DID NOT want to hear.
"Make a commitment to not wear makeup for a year."
Ummmm...
do you realize what that entails?? I live in WINNIPEG! Home to some of the most street stylish people I've ever seen, a place where makeup and style run rampant and appearance is everything. More than that I have a wedding to attend in a few months! That would mean no makeup for holiday family pictures! ARE YOU CRAZY!?
I half complied and threw away all of my makeup, but I "secretly" kept it in the trashcan in my room. Just in case.
BUT HE WOULDN'T LEAVE ME ALONE. He kept saying it over and over and over.
Today I felt ugly and disgusting.
I came home and put makeup on and it was like being able to breath.
Which is pathetic.
That was the breaking point,I couldn't stand to let this have this much power over me! Not. Anymore.
I placed my tube of mascara on my dresser. Standing it straight up in the middle I got on my knees before it and looked at it, asking myself, "This or Jesus?"
The answer was painfully obvious.
I took every piece of makeup I have, all my lipsticks, shadows, creams, powders, blushes, brushes, liners and threw it away. OUTSIDE in the REAL TRASH this time (which will be picked up tomorrow morning at 5am...the Lord's timing is ironically perfect). Don't think there isn't a part of me that wants to run out and frantically dig it out, clutching it tightly to my chest because there is...
B U T
I refuse to bow down before a tube of mascara, I refuse to find my worth in ANYTHING but Jesus.
So here's to the beggining of a 365 day journey of discovering my beauty in the most beautiful man I've ever known, Jesus Christ.
"So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day...as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen." - 2 Corinthians 4:16,18
"For what is exalted by men is an abomination in the sight of God."- Luke 16:15
"Set your hope fully on the grace that will be brought to you at the revelation of Jesus Christ. As obedient children, do not be conformed to the passoins of your former ignorance, but as he who called you is holy, you also be holy in all your conduct." - 1 Peter 1:13-15
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