Where The Hell Are You?

I'm sitting here weeping, sobbing actually.

I'm crying out the words "WHERE ARE YOU?" And it isn't the first time, in fact it brings me back to a time a year and a half ago, when I first acknowleged your presence. Do you remember it?
I spoke to you for the first time in my life (not including when I used to pray on the toilet as a little girl...story for another time)...
I sat in the dark, propped up against my pillows I dug down deep and tried to understand why I was resisting believing in this..this Jesus. This "Holy Man."This "Messiah."
What bubbled up out of me was something I didn't expect...
a deep anger and feeling of betrayal broke out and I began sobbing and crying out "Where were you? Where were you?" Through all the hurt pain and abuse where were you God? Through of the lies and cheating and feeling worthless where were you Jesus? Through all of the harsh words, blunt blows to her face, and a fear that was paralyzing and gutwrenching where were you?


A year and four months later I'm sitting here much the same.
And I'm crying out where are you?
Where are you?

I feel so far from you latley Lord. You are moving, you are acting in my life...but I see it all from a place of detachment. I am no longer awed by your hand in my life..I no longer record each and every "God moment," small or big, in my journal. I see your hand, and at times it's slightly exciting but that's about as far as it goes. What is happening?
I feel abandoned by you.
I feel betrayed.

I feel like you don't love me.

Do you remember the night Jesus when I asked you to never leave me...everyone has always left, and I was so scared that you would too. And so I cried out to you, weeping desperatley, begging you to stay. And I remember exactly what you said in response..the song playing softly in the background began to sing "Nothing you can do or say, can take my love away from you child."
And I laughed as I knew with more certainty than I had ever known anything, that you would never leave me.

Yet here I sit. And I'm crying out to you Lord..
Where the hell are you?


I havn't been seeking you. I don't know how it happened. Actually that's a lie. I do know.
I got busy.
Work. School. Fundraising. Preparing to leave. Worrying. Worrying. Worrying.

I stopped imagining you sitting next to me. I stopped feeling your hand in mine. I stopped waking up early to get in time with you. I stopped making sure to get time with you each night. I just stopped it all...and your voice became quieter and quieter. My time with you has resorted to half attempts to read my Bible while simultaneously planning my next fundraising event, or going over my the homework I still need to get done. And that's if I even get to the Bible part. Which latley I havn't.
Remember how just a few weeks ago your voice was the sweetest thing in the world to me? I craved it, I desired it, I couldn't get enough of you. I saw you everywhere, in everything. All I wanted was more. I cried out for more. I wept for more. It was amazing and glorious.
If I even went half a day without seeking you I'd fall apart and feel like I was in the desert. Well it's been a week or two and I'm no longer in the desert, instead I'm drowning.

I feel so angry Lord, and I don't even know why. I feel angry at you, I feel angry at people back home who I feel have abandoned me. I feel angry that they havn't made more of an effort to contact me. I feel angry that I am nothing more than an inconveniance to contact, or that's how it seems anyway. And ultimatley Lord I guess I'm mad at you. For not showing up now that I am here, now that I am seeking you, you are incredibly silent.
I don't feel like you love me..I don't see how you could.
I feel useless.
I feel empty.

Waste of space is what I hear the enemy whispering.."Waste of space, who could ever love you? Who would want to?"
I wish I had the heart to tell him to go to hell. But I'm so tired.
I just want to be with you Jesus. I just want to be walking with you, in close communion with you. I don't care if it's here, in Micronesia, or in timbuktu..I just want you. I need you. I'm desperate for you.

Nothing makes sense when you aren't near. I feel confused and broken when I'm not engulfed in your presence. I am only ever myself when I am with you and when you are far away I feel like an enemy to my own soul. I feel the inner demons gain strength and try to take back the ground they have lost and I rip myself into pieces.
I need you tonight Jesus. Please. I am exhausted and I can't do this anymore.
You have to come in tonight. You have to meet me here.
I'm begging you.

Seeing Her as My Sister In Christ

The struggle of being released from my soul tie (the one I spoke about in my last post) has not been easy. My flesh responded by trying to attach harder than ever before, and it was exhausting to feel so torn between wanting the Lord and still wanting this relationship.
At church today my Pastor taught us that sin means to "miss the mark" (the mark being God's will for every specific area of our lives). I miss this mark, the bullseye, constantly.

I'm lazy and don't spend my time doing what the Lord is calling me too.

Missed the mark.

I still struggle with addictions to lust...
and give in.

Missed the mark.

I need to save every last penny I have for missions... I buy the creme donut from Robins, its only .90cents after all.

Missed the mark.

I need to spend time with the Lord so I turn it into a checklist.

Missed the mark.


The list goes on and on, but the main arrow the Lord was trying to realign with the bullseye was my friendship with this woman. I could feel Him calling me to walk in freedom in this relationship, to walk in holyness...but I just didn't know how. I was trying with everything in me, kind of, and I just didn't know how to break free. I felt exhausted from fighting it.

But the Lord is good, and tonight while talking we experienced true freedom! We began spontaneously crying out to the Lord for help and for healing, praying over eachother and over ourselves. Jesus showed up in big ways and answered those prayers;
tonight we both looked at eachother as sisters in Christ for the first time...and in that moment the bonds broke & the chains smashed into pieces.

We began laughing and joyously praising Him.Sisters in Christ. SISTERS in CHRIST! This was the very first time we had looked at eachother as sisters. And it was beautiful. To love her, but love her rightly? What an amazing gift from the Lord! From the One who came to bind up the broken hearted and proclaim freedom to the captives: He worked out this verse in our friendship tonight and we are free, & free indeed.

For anyone of you out there struggling with a situation similar to this, get on your knees and ask the Lord to reveal the way you should see this other person. We are blind, and do not have the eyes to see...but ask and He will give them to you; then you will be able to watch as He transforms your love into something beautiful and holy, that brings Him all the glory.

"Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you."
-Matthew 7:7

 

We Begin

let’s dance!
on stars!
oh lets sing it out across the milky way,
let’s spread it out across the sun
like a banner in the sky,
and speak of the day the Lord broke our chains,
gave us wings to fly.
Let’s soar above the sights,
you and I,
hearts and voices lifted high.
Free,
gloriously free.
Ohh and it’s a love like I’ve never known,
but I want to know it more,
want to dig my toes into the sand of its shore,
let it's soft cool waters run over my skin.
Gloriously free,
we begin.



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I still have $3686 left to raise before July 13th. If you would like to donate and help support me please click on the tab to the top-right under the "Help Support Me!" subheading.
Or simply CLICK HERE

 

Thank you for your generosity, for believing in and supporting me. <3

I'm Going to Be Real With You For the First Time

I always feel the need to say what it is I KNOW is right and not be honest about what I'm actually feeling. I don't think that's entirely bad, because I it is wrong to let our emotions be the ruling voice in our lives, but to never be vunerable, never be honest and raw, is wrong too. This is one area God has been speaking to me about: being real.
Real about where I am.
Real about what I'm feeling.
Real about my struggle.
Not where I should be but where I am.

With that being said...
this is probably the scariest thing I have ever posted in my life. But I am no longer giving power to secret things. I am exposing my weakness because they speak of Christ's strength. Take it or leave it, this is where I am and what the LORD is bringing me through.
I pray it blesses you.

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Since I was very young I have struggled and still struggle with homosexuality. I wouldn't have called it a struggle until I knew Jesus, it was just who I used to be, but now I see it differently. Now I know the love of Christ and what He is calling me too. Now I see, because my eyes have been opened.

 

I also struggle with feeling unloved and seeking my validation in the way others care or don't care about me. This has put me in places of deep, deep pain and devestation in my life. I have allowed myself to be abused sexually, emotionally, and physically, solely for the hope of finally gaining love and acceptance from someone. I have also caused deep pain and destruction.

 

Recently I fell in a relationship with another woman. She was/is my best friend. She is beautiful, inside and out. Our soul-tie was designed by God: an instant deep connection formed between two-like souls. But as we humans are want to do, I took what God created for good and twisted it for evil. Over time the friendship turned, becoming more and more intimate.

 

I felt known. I felt loved. I felt whole and complete. I felt worthy. I felt attractive. I felt wanted.

And that lie Satan had been feeding me my whole life "Nobody loves you." Became quieter and quieter...or so I believed.

 

Someone once told me, "sin always takes you deeper than you want to go, and keeps you longer than you want to stay."

Over time, we knew our friendship had to come to end. But if I am totally honest I didn't belive I was in too deep. I thought maybe I was treading water, but the shore was right behind me, I could turn around and swim home anytime I wanted. Apparently, I am in the habit of fooling myself.

 

I didn't realize how deeply my heart had entangled with hers, but as she began to pull away, the Holy Spirit revealed it to me; I felt like I was drowning.

I was angry, hurt, and broken. I felt like I could barely breathe.

The most painful thought of all, was the realization that she would eventually move on.

The hardest part of letting go, is the validation of rejection it brings. I've been rejected enough, the last thing I wanted was one more experience that told me what I already knew to be true: I will never be enough. I heard satan's slippery, filthy voice slither past me, "See? Nobody loves you."

 

BUT...

"He who began a good work in you, will bring it to completion." - Phillipians 1:6

 

Tonight at my Encounter God class we focused on severing innappropriate soul ties.

My friend Hilary* and I were completley honest and naked about our pasts, about our sins involving inappropriate sexual and emotional soul ties. We each made a list of names and confessed and severed, in the name of Jesus, each one. Each name I crossed off brought a new sense of freedom, of a lightness in my spirit.
But I saved the hardest for last.

 

As we sat in Hilary's car, I confessed my emotioinal soul tie to the woman who had become my best friend, and in my heart had also become much more than that. I cried as I confessed the honest truth: I didn't want to cut this tie, I wanted to be with her. We had decided in order to seek Christ that we couldn't be friends for the time being, we hadn't talked in days and I missed her; I just wanted her back. I didn't want to move on, but I repented, hoping in the steadfastness and faithfulness of the Lord, and Hilary severed the tie. With a trembling hand I crossed my friend's name off of my list and ripped it into pieces.

We drove away and decided to toss our lists into the night, to be done with them once and for all.

 

As I held my hand out the window and released the ripped pieces, the remnants and shackles of my old heart scattered away into the wind.

I took in a deep and long breath of the cool night air,

it tasted like freedom.

 

 

Whom the Son sets free, is free indeed.

 

 

*name has been changed

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I still have $3800 left to raise before July 13th. If you would like to donate and help support me please click on the tab to the top-right under the "Help Support Me!" subheading.

Or simply CLICK HERE.
Thank you so much for your generosity. <3

 



I Need You! Yes, YOU!

As most of you know from my last blog I was accepted to Iris Ministries Harvest School in Micronesia (a 3-month intensive missionary training school beginning August 19-October 19). While in the school I will be doing/learning amazing things! I will be:

Ø  Applying to be a long term missionary with Iris Ministries.

Ø  In prayer with my leaders to discern what people group/nation the Lord is calling me too.  I will then be trained how to reach that specific people group.

Ø  Taught practical skills for missionary living & taught to lead lives and ministries in the supernatural presence of the Lord through healing and miracles.

Ø  Go out into the surrounding communities of Micronesia for practical training to see the island completely transformed by the His love.

(For more information on the school/organization go to irisglobal.org)

I'm so excited!! Waaa!
While at this school I'll be challenged, pushed taught, and stretched beyond anything I'm currently able to concieve. The unknowns stretch out before me like a blank canvas, but two things are certain:

the One who holds the brush & that I will be beautifully, irrevocably changed.

 
In order to attend the school and the long-term mission assignment after, I must raise a total of $8300.
This will cover the costs of tuition and airfare/travel for the school and mission. I must raise
$4600 of those costs by July 13^th in order to attend and the remaining $3700 by September 1^st.

But I cannot do this without your support financially & in prayer!

This journey is not one I will be taking alone, but one that you and I must take together. By partnering with me through your prayers and finances you support the Kingdom and help to bring the name and love of Jesus through me. My journey becomes your journey, and this mission becomes one that we adventure through together.

If you would like to give to help finance me & lift me up in prayer I appreciate it and am so sincerely grateful for your support.  Whether you can give $1 or $100 every little bit helps and I consider it a blessing to have you partner with me in bringing His kingdom to every heart.

“Our Father is a king. And his kingdom is ready to invade on earth as it is in heaven." - Clint Bokelman

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To donate online

CLICK HERE !

 

 

Cheque/Money order

Please make payable to Yasemee Dorning

email me at yasemee_dorning@yahoo.com for address details

I WAS ACCEPTED!

THIS PAST WEEK I WAS ACCEPTED TO IRIS MINISTRIES HARVEST SCHOOL IN MICRONESIA!!

After telling this to a few people over the course of this week I realized one major thing:

NO ONE KNOWS WHERE THAT IS!

So here's a map! Do you see that huge arrow? And that teeny dot it's pointing too? THAT'S Micronesia!

The school is an intensive 3-month training program focusing on people who desire to go immediatley into the mission field. During the school I'll be applying to work as a long term missionary with Iris Ministires and if I am accepted immediatley after I'll be sent off!

I seriously cannot wait to begin this journey!

I will be continueing to post about my experiences as I prepare to leave, begin my fundraising process (support letters are being sent out next week!), and say goodbye to everything I have ever known! I will also continue to post about my experiences after I arrive at the school and into my missions trips afterwards! I really am so excited (and maybe a little nervous too) and can't wait to see what the Lord does in my life and the lives of others through this!


"...For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord,
"Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future..."
-Jeremiah 29:11

I Heard Jesus Speak Today

Today I was feeling guilty and full of shame over the sin in my life and my lack of perfection. I feel like this a majority of the time and am constantly in a state of beating myself up and trying harder to be better. It is so exhausting and disheartening because when you are under the Law, there is no hope.
Jesus called me to Him and after asking me to repent and confess these things He spoke to me the most beautiful words through a vision. I 'll share it here and I hope that if any of you struggle with these things He speaks to you through this vision as well!!


"You are my child, come to me as my child. When a child falls and gets hurt she doesn't worry about the fact that she has fallen, that maybe she isn't good enough to call out to her Daddy, she just cries out to Him and He comes and holds her. Children are sticky, covered in jam, dirt, and bleeding from their scraped knee but they don't worry about any of those things as their Daddy scoops them up, and niether does He."
Then Father God showed me a snow white owl flying over a forest at night in the light of the moon, and said, "It is beautiful." Then I saw a bee sitting on a flower, and the LORD said, "Is it good?" And I said, "Yes." Then the Lord said, "The owl is beautiful becasue I AM Beautiful, the bee is good because I AM Good." Then I saw a tree and He said, "Is it intricate, and complex, and life giving?" And I said, "Yes." Then the LORD spoke again and said, "It is intricate and complex and life giving because I AM intricate and complex and life giving."

"Yasemee. You are beautiful because I AM Beautiful. You are good, because I AM Good. And you are intricate, complex, and life giving because I AM intricate, and complex, and life giving. Be transformed my child, by the revelation that I AM within you. I AM made perfect in your weakness. It is no longer you who live, but I who live through you."

<3

A 365 Day Journey: Saying No to Makeup & Discovering My Beauty in Christ

The Holy Spirit has been speaking to me about sin in my life, about things in my life that do not glorify Him.
He is changing me and most of the time I really don't like it.

Before I knew Christ I thought all I had to offer was my appearance, at least that's what the world told me. At one point in my life the desire to appear "perfect" was so intense that I would spend HOURS trying to pick an outfit and if I couldn't I wouldn't leave the house. I'd end up blowing THOUSANDS of dollars on clothes and still not feel satisfied. I compared myself to every woman I saw, every girl who was prettier or more stylish than me was better than me. It was an exhausting way to live, but I didn't know how to get out of the cycle. Plus, if the clothes and makeup came off, who would I be? More than that, who would love me?

Once I met Christ He began teaching me that my worth isn't in my appearance, it's in Him. I thought we had dealt with it completley when I successfully abstained from wearing makeup for 3 months, but apparently the roots ran deeper than I originally thought. If there's one thing I've learned it's that Jesus isn't in the habits of only doing a job halfway, He keeps going until it's done, until He has it all.

I stopped wearing makeup four weeks ago. What was only supposed to be a two week stint slowly stretched on into three and then four. I watched the days tick by wondering when I would be allowed to wear makeup again because I felt disgusting.
Actually that's not true...
I felt disgusting when I was around other women wearing makeup, but when I wasn't around them and was focusing on Jesus I felt more free and beautiful than ever.

Then, a few days ago I had a meltdown at church. I couldn't find an outfit, my hair looked crazy, and I had no makeup on. THAT was enough to ruin my day. In fact it was so bad that when I got to church I went into a stall in the bathroom and cried. I couldn't bear the thought of facing people looking like this, I couldn't bear the thought of everyone seeing how broken and messy I was. It was visible on my naked face; I had N O T H I N G to hide behind. The only way I was able to leave the bathroom was by putting on a few coats of mascara.
The Holy Spirit was exposing the root that was still tangled down deep inside of me. The root that was claiming a space that only the Lord is supposed to occupy.


Then Holy Spirit spoke, spoke something I DID NOT want to hear.
"Make a commitment to not wear makeup for a year."

Ummmm...
do you realize what that entails?? I live in WINNIPEG! Home to some of the most street stylish people I've ever seen, a place where makeup and style run rampant and appearance is everything. More than that I have a wedding to attend in a few months! That would mean no makeup for holiday family pictures! ARE YOU CRAZY!?
I half complied and threw away all of my makeup, but I "secretly" kept it in the trashcan in my room. Just in case.
BUT HE WOULDN'T LEAVE ME ALONE. He kept saying it over and over and over.


Today I felt ugly and disgusting.
I came home and put makeup on and it was like being able to breath.
Which is pathetic.
That was the breaking point,I couldn't stand to let this have this much power over me! Not. Anymore.

I placed my tube of mascara on my dresser. Standing it straight up in the middle I got on my knees before it and looked at it, asking myself, "This or Jesus?"
The answer was painfully obvious.

I took every piece of makeup I have, all my lipsticks, shadows, creams, powders, blushes, brushes, liners and threw it away. OUTSIDE in the REAL TRASH this time (which will be picked up tomorrow morning at 5am...the Lord's timing is ironically perfect). Don't think there isn't a part of me that wants to run out and frantically dig it out, clutching it tightly to my chest because there is...

B U T
I refuse to bow down before a tube of mascara, I refuse to find my worth in ANYTHING but Jesus.
So here's to the beggining of a 365 day journey of discovering my beauty in the most beautiful man I've ever known, Jesus Christ.








"So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day...as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen." - 2 Corinthians 4:16,18

"For what is exalted by men is an abomination in the sight of God."- Luke 16:15

"Set your hope fully on the grace that will be brought to you at the revelation of Jesus Christ. As obedient children, do not be conformed to the passoins of your former ignorance, but as he who called you is holy, you also be holy in all your conduct." - 1 Peter 1:13-15

The Call of Singleness: a Journey of Laying Down My Life for My Faith

I'd like to begin this post by first saying that I am in no way saying that marriage doesn't glorify the Lord or that every single person is meant to be single forever! Marriage was created to be a picture of Jesus and our relationship with Him, it was created to glorify the Earth. BUT that doesn't negate the truths in scripture about the ways singleness glorifies the Lord.

I never in a million years thought I would be called to singleness. I've always imagined being married and having children, it was a deep desire of mine before I knew Christ and after I met Him. Actually, it was a controlling desire...one that ruled my heart for the majority of my life; the idea of marriage was an idol that I worshipped and put my worth in.

After ending a un-godly relationship with an ex to seek the Lord I realized that suddenly my desire for marriage was G O N E.
At first I assumed it was bitterness towards relationship, but as I sought the Lord more more I didn't feel bitter! In fact, I felt overjoyed! For the first time in my life I could watch a romantic movie without feeling like my heart was breaking, without being cast into a tailspin of despair over my singleness. For the first time I could appreciate love, relationship, and marriage without being filled with anger towards God or loneliness. If anything I felt happy that those people could glorify God that way, but didn't feel like that was how God was asking me to glorify Him. But I still didn't believe it could be true.
My next thought was that I didn't desire marriage any longer because I was afraid of getting hurt. To an extent that is true, I am weary and fearful of betrayal, but that has never in my life stopped be from seeking out relationships with a hell-bent focus.

The more I thought about marriage and this lack of desire for it, the more I realized I felt peace, not contention, not bitterness, not fear, just peace. Scripture says that it is better to be single because the unmarried man (or woman) is anxious about the things of the Lord: how to please the Lord, while a married couple has to focus on how to please eachother. (1 Corinthians 32-43)That does glorify the Lord, but Paul says "So then he who marries his betrothed does well, and he who refrains from marriage will do even better." (1 Corinthians 7:38)

I believe that church has been influenced by the dominating view of society that in order for life to have meaning we must have a romantic relationship with another person. But that is not God's truth. In fact, marriage is ONLY for this life. In Matthew 23:20 Jesus says that none of us will be married in heaven or given in marriage in heaven. It is only to display the glory of the Lord, but it is not the end goal of eternity.
The call of singleness is a CALL not a CURSE, and it is a blessing from the Lord and glorifies Him. (Getting off of my soapbox now!)

This call is one that I am afraid to answer.
Am I truly willing to say "Lord I commit to a life of purity and singleness so that I might glorify you." ? What happens if I meet someone I like? What happens in the seasons when it's hard to be single? I wasn't pure before I knew Christ, and there have been many times that I havn't been pure after, will it still be a gift of purity to the Lord?
Well as I learned at celebrate recovery, I can take Jesus into my past and my regrets but He doesn't say I was He says I AM. I can take Him into my future, all of my what ifs and fears, but His name is I AM. He wants me to live in the now and trust Him enough to follow where He leads, no matter what it may cost me.

Will I walk on the water?
EEEEK I'm scared just thinking about it. But it feels good to have something to give up for the Lord, something that requires faith and sacrifice, to have my faith cost me something.

Here is an excerpt from a sermon by John Piper that I love.

Jesus said in Matthew 19:12, “There are eunuchs who have been so from birth, and there are eunuchs who have been made eunuchs by men, and there are eunuchs who have made themselves eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom of heaven. Let the one who is able to receive this receive it.” ... But it does mean that Jesus approves that some of his followers renounce marriage and sexual activity for the sake of serving Christ’s kingdom. “Let him who is able to receive this receive it.”

For the sake of the kingdom, and to serve the Lord?
It's scary, but it's taking faith and bringing me closer and into dependance on & in Jesus.

"Only let each person lead the life that the Lord has assigned to him, and to which God has called him." - 1 Corinthians 7:17




If you'd like to watch the sermon by John Piper that I quoted on singlness CLICK HERE!

He is the Reason for Everything.

"He is the reason for everything."
- Taryn Kate Neurohr

Such a simple statement,yet so incredibly profound and soul shattering. He is the reason for everything. HE is the REASON for EVERYTHING.
He is the purpose, the goal, the means and the end, the center, the focus...the reason for everything.


Jesus, I want to live as a woman of One Thing, a woman of whole hearted devotion and focus. You truly are the reason for everything, and I'm so sorry Lord for the things I've made it, when it's all about you. You are the center, you are the Living One, the Holy One of Israel, the Lamb & the Lion...before the foundations of the world you were. And you are, and you are to come. All of creation was created just to display your glory, the cross happened to display your glory, we happened to display your glory Jesus...you are the only one who is worthy. I want to lay down my desires and longings to follow your Holy ambition for my life Jesus, because you are the reason for everything. There is nothing more glorious than you. The one thing I ask and the one thing I seek Jesus is that I might dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, and gaze upon the beauty of the LORD and to seek Him in His temple. There is no deeper love than laying down one's life for a friend, Jesus you are my friend and so I want to lay down my life for you. I want to love you with everything I am and have. I want to lay down all my desires and longing to seek after your Kingdom, to do your will, to answer your call, to walk in Holy and DEEP communion with you every day for the rest of my life.

I want to be with you all the days of my life, and then 10,000 more. How can I ever stop singing your praise? How can I ever stop desiring to know you deeper? You are without end. You are the alpha and omega, you are the Faithful Witness...You are the Reason for Everything. I was made to glorify you Jesus, I want to walk fully in that calling. Just let me sit in your courts and gaze upon your beauty. I am in awe of you.

I am a woman of One Thing. I sit at the feet of the Lord Jesus Christ, and the world may count my days as meaningless or empty, but I have chosen the good portion, the One Thing that cannot be taken away. He is the reason for everything.

How amazing is He!!

Arms Wide Open, Bleeding

It is so,so hard to love with arms wide open when all I want to do is cling as tight as I can and never have to let go again.
It's so hard to be obedient to you in this Lord. To be persistant in that obedience.

Sometimes it feels like my heart breaks a little more with each beat, and each passing second only serves to deepen the sadness I feel. I want to follow you, I want to lay it all down at your feet. I want to walk in the fullness and in the light, but there are other things I desire as well. Jesus, please help me.

You have to come and fill these places because the emptiness there is big enough to swallow me hole. You created us to live in deep relationship and community, with You and with others. And yet, I've had to lay this down. Sometimes I am angry Lord, angry at you for making me give this up, angry with myself for letting it get far enough that you had to tell me to.

I miss having someone to talk with about You for hours, without feeling like I was saying too much,without feeling like I was too much. I miss laughing at awkard pauses, I miss praying over eachother, I miss having someone who could speak your truths when I needed to hear them, and I miss having someone to pour your truths into. I miss having a friend who would draw me right into Your heart Jesus. Someone to share lifes ups and downs with, someone to share the struggle of walking with You, the joy of walking with You. I miss it all.
Jesus, I am so thankful for the time I did have. That was the deepst, most life-giving friendship I've ever experienced and I know you gave it to me right out of your hand to teach me, to discipline me,and to show me Your love. Thank you for changing my life the way you did through the beautiful and sweet, sweet heart you created in her.

"I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
And every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I was sure by now
God You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say "Amen", and it's still raining

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away."


I trust you Jesus, with her heart. Thank you for the love you showed me and continue to show me through her. I pray that the tears we've cried would one day have become something beautiful, a freedom that lets us soar to new heights. It's your love Jesus. It's your love.

"You shall love with arms wide open,
a heart exposed,
arms wide open...bleeding, sometimes bleeding."

Spiritual Attack: Are you hungry?

When ever you give up things to seek after the Lord, (be it fasting, relationships, finances, ect) Satan will come in and try to fill that space. We see that in Matthew 4 with Temptation of Jesus.

And after fasting forty days and forty nights, he was hungry. And the tempter came and said to Him, "If you are the Son of God, command these stones to become loaves of bread."

Satan didn't come at the beggining of the fast, he waited until Jesus was hungry. Satan comes when you are longing for something, and tries to get you to fill that space with something other than the Lord. I've noticed that whenever I fast, the temptation to eat whatever I'm fasting from is suddenly absolutley overwhelming. But this applies to more than just food. When your heart is hungry, when your soul is hungry, when your mind is hungry, when your lust is hungry, when your stomach is hungry...Satan will try and get you to fill that space.
But so often I don't realize spiritual attack for what it is!

The other day I had a conversation with a man about the Bible. He had studied the Bible for years in Jerusalem learning the Hebrew and ancient Greek so that he could better understand what was being said. Then, as we talked, he began to list all of the contradictions in the Bible and in it's translation from the original languages to English. He told me about different verses that weren't added until after the Bible was written, of things taken out of context. My mind was spinning and I felt nausesous. I kept thinking, "Jesus, what am I supposed to do with this?" The man was quoting passages of the Bible to me in Hebrew and Greek, he obviously knew what he was talking about!

After the conversation I felt that my faith was shaken. I immediatley started to doubt the Bible. And if the Bible is innacurate or untrue then so is God, so is Jesus. So is everything I've believed and turned too. I could feel the Holy Spirit trying to speak to me, remind me of the truths I've EXPERIENCED. But I didn't want to heart it. Quite frankly, if God wasn't real that meant I could go back to living my life how I wanted and stop having to give things up for Jesus. I was angry.
I was annoyed.
And I was hungry...in more ways than one.

The attack kept coming that night. And I found myself tempted to do things that didn't glorify God in all kinds of ways. I felt confused. I laid down to sleep and couldn't muster up the will to pray. I closed my eyes and whispered to Jesus, " Just show me the truth."

When I woke in the morning all of the pain, confusion, anger, and temptation was gone. The Holy Spirit reminded me of Jesus' temptation and how I need to know the scriptures well enough to use them offensivley when it comes to the enemy. He is the tempter, the father of lies, and he will twist the words of the Lord to make us doubt, or worse tell us exactly what we want to hear.
The tempter will come to you, and he will double his attacks when you are hungry or thirsting.
But the Lord is our daily bread and living water, He replenishes our souls.

Lord you are so good to fill me and remind me of the truth this morning when I woke up! Thank you from keeping me from giving into any of my temptations and for reminding me of who you are. You are real and You are Truth like nothing I've ever known. Help me be richly in the scriptures and help me write them on my heart so that I can speak them to the enemy and over myself. Holy Spirit give me discernment of the enemies attacks, of anything that is not of you. And then give me the strength to rebuke it in Jesus' name! I love you, thank you for fighting for me always and never letting me stray to far. You are the Good Shepherd. I love you.

Laying it All Down at The Feet of Jesus.

The Lord has me in a season of isolation, cut off from all of the deep relationships I've cultivated over the years, He's now asked me to hand the closest friendship I have over to Him. He's asked me to lay down my dreams of ministry, missions, and worship. He's asked me to lay down my dreams of independence. And as I struggle to place each of these at His feet, the Holy Spirit whispers a question that cuts through my heart and pierces my soul.
"Is my love sufficient? Am I enough."

Without my dreams, without my relationships, without money, without independence...without anything and everything I've ever wanted in this life is He still enough?

Some days the answer is a joyful "Yes Lord, Yes Lord, YES YES LORD!!" Other days its a whimpering weak "...maybe." And some times it's just a downright, "No."
But the truth is that He is more than enough, and His love isn't just sufficient but it fills me to overflowing. All I have to do is turn to Him. Give it all to Him. Lay EVERYTHING that I am, wish, and have down.

When He said "love me with all your mind, heart, soul, and strength" He wasn't kidding.


Sometimes I feel like I have nothing left to give, like if I give anymore to the Lord there will be nothing left of me. But then, maybe that's the point?


Lord teach me what it means to surrender. As you surrendered to your Father's will and gave everything, even your life, so let me lay my life down to follow you. I want to respond to you Jesus, and I want to live in the fullness of who you created me to be in Christ. You are my life, my love, my shepherd. I can trust you. I surrender my dreams, I surrender my love, I surrender my best friend, I surrender the heartbreak that comes with letting her go. I surrender the loneliness. I surrender my desire to go and to fly. I surrender my dreams, and I surrender all my questions of "why?" I trust you Jesus. I lay it all down. And I ask you to fill the places that all of these things used to occupy. To fill them with your love, light, and truth. Your will be done Jesus. I love you, but more importantly you love me and so I lay it down.

Jesus Calling

This was my Jesus Calling devotional this morning and it just really spoke to me and I wanted to share.

I LOVE YOU FOR WHO YOU ARE, not for what you do. Many voices vie for control of your mind, especially when you sit in silence. You must learn to discern what is My voice and what is not. Ask My Spirit to give you this discernment. Many of My children run around in circles, trying to obey the various frustrating patterns of living. Do not fall into this trap. Walk closely wiht Me each moment, listening for My directives and enjoying My Companionship. Refuse to let other voices tie you up in knots. My sheep know My voice and follw Me wherever I lead.

Ephesians 4:1-6
I therefore, a prisoner for the Lord, urge you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness,, with patience, bearing with one another in love, eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace. There is one body and one Spirit - just as you were called to the one hope that belongs to your call - one Lord, one faith, one baptism, one God and Father of all, who is over all through all and in all.

John 10:3-4
To him the gatekeeper opens. The sheep hear His voice, and He calls His own sheep by name and leads them out. When He has brought out all His own, He goes before them, and the sheep follow Him for they know His voice.