I can feel so passionatley on fire with Jesus.
I am often consumed in the fiery flames of his love and my yearning for more is ravenous and unsatiable. I want him with a depth and a need that suprises me; the weight of it driving me to my knees.
I can experience His presence and love, be filled to overflowing, and a few hours later be wailing in the fetal position asking why He's left me in this desert. It's not that He doesn't come to me, He does. I just want more. I need more. It feels like every molecule, every atom, every cell in my being is crying out for Him. I want Him in a way that doesn't even make sense because I don't know exactly what it is that I want, other than more Jesus. He moves and I want more, He speaks and I want more.
Deeper and deeper and deeper still. I want more of you Jesus.
And then something bad happens. A phone call from the bank about my unpaid loans, a hurtful word, problems at work...you name it and all my fire for the Lord, and all my trust in Jesus, and all my surrendering to His sovereignty vanishes like a vapor.
As much as I desire and want the Lord, as many times as I try to lay down my life and seek Him...the truth is in the hard moments fear and doubt tend to prevail. I feel the cold and metallic fist of fear begin to tighten around my heart, squeezing tighter and tighter until it is hard to breathe. I feel like I lose all sense of direction, of up and down and I'm just left flailing. In those moments sometimes God doesn't even cross my mind, not until later when I've exhausted all other options and I'm kneeling at His feet because I have no where else to go.
But I don't want this. Fear is not faith, if anything it is the opposite of faith.
God TRULY is sovereign. Nothing suprises Him. He saw this coming and He sees the end of it, the way out. Often I feel fear because I don't know His plan for me. I don't want to sit around and do nothing, but I also don't just want to do something for the sole benefit of having a "comfortable life". Comfort be damned. I want to follow Christ. I want to have to give up things. I want to preach the gospel in dark places no matter the cost. I want a life like the apostles. I want radical abandon. I want to do what the Lord is calling me to do. Problem is...I have no idea what that is, or what the first step will be! It's hard to trust something you can't see.
Ahhh.
Jackpot.
It all comes down to trust doesn't it Jesus?
Do I trust you?
Trust you enough to believe that you lead even when I am blind and do not know the way?
Trust that you are laying the footsteps in front of me and that you will bring your plan to fruition?
Trust that you gave me these longings and have a plan for them?
Trust that you are sovereign over the large problems in my life, and the small ones?
Trust that you love me?
Trust in the power of your name?
Trust you enough to die for you?
I want to sacrifice for my faith...and yet. When put in a situation with people who are uncomfortable with it I hide. I take out my handy-dandy basket and cover the light of Christ. Afraid of the condemnation, afraid of what will happen if I truly live out Christ in my life. I may lose my loved ones, I may lose my home, I may lose my job, I may lose my friendships. This is the call...
It sounds pretty in your head you know? In the books that you read that call to a radical faith sounds amazing.
But when it's real, when the consequences are real...not in China, not in the jungles of southeast Asia, not in small tribes in Africa but in your own home. In your own life. Right Here.
It is scary, and it is hard.
Take up my cross Jesus? Trust you enough to lose my life and risk it all?
I could be living on the streets. Poor, desitute, and with nothing to eat. If I stand for Jesus, I may very well be standing alone. The people in the church may even turn away. The question remains, will I answer the call?
Will I love Christ? Love Him enough that all my other relationships seem like hate in comparison?
Do I actually believe in this Christ? This Risen One? Jesus of Nazareth? The Messiah?
Hard questions like these surround me tonight as I sit wrapped in my down filled blanket on my cushioned bed. Lights dimmed and heater blowing reassuringly. Books on my bedside table, piles of clothes I havn't put away on my desk. Wondering if I should buy the sharpie felt tip pens or the cheaper ones to journal with. Yes, teaching in the underground church, putting my life on the line for Jesus sounds amazing in my warm, comfy, cozy bed...stomach still full from the icecream and tea I had an hour ago. Sitting here tonight in this comfortable life I find myself faced with the question.
What has my faith cost me?
And the answer is, very little. very little.
And the problem is, that doesn't line up with scripture; according to the word of God it should cost me everything...
Calloused hand extended, robe whipping back and forth in the rage of the wind. Black rolling waves beneath His feet, He bids me "Come."
He doesn't phrase it as a question.
It isn't one.
It is a call.
One I will answer.
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