I Hate it Honestly

I hate blogging...
scratch that.

I hate blogging honestly.
You know that feeling, where something is nagging at you? Something is pulling at your heart and won't leave you alone until you obey it's command?
It's that burning bush you try to get away from, but everywhere you turn it's in your path.
That's God with my blog.

He wants me to blog...but He wants me to blog honestly.
And honestly,
I hate it.
It's hard. It's scary. Some of the messages I recieve from people are mean and hurtful.
And it's hard to put all of yo bidness out there for everyone to see.
I mean honestly.

*ok rant done, commence to actualy post now*


I've been trying to draw close to the heart of God. I feel far from Him. I don't think He's far from me, but I feel far from Him. When I spend time alone with Him now there's something different about it, it's not like it used to be. There's something missing. And I think that something is me.

But what's even worse than that is the guilt.
I hate it.
I abhor it.
I wish it would die a slow, painful, torturous death.
Guilt is my enemy.

I'll feel it for no reason at all.
Getting dressed EVERY. MORNING. is a damned struggle. Why? Because I feel guilty! No matter what I wear I feel like it's the wrong choice. I feel guilty for wanting to look pretty, I feel guilty for feeling guilty, I feel gulity for wishing I had more clothes, I feel guilty for buying clothes. On and on it goes.
And all day long, guilt runs like an undercurrent in my life. I swim as hard as I can against the stream, but eventually I'm too tired to fight anymore.

Tonight I tried to spend time with God.
When I first came to Christ I would spend  h o u r s  worshipping. I'd put on music and candles and dance/sing for my Jesus (sorry Mom...that probably got annoying). But I couldn't get enough of Him. I wanted more. I had to have more. And I felt so free in His presence.
I was desperate tonight so I thought I'd try that.

BOOM.
Instantly felt the presence of God..so strongly I kept peeking my eyes open to see if He was standing in the room. I felt it so strongly I was scared and had to keep sitting down!!
And then I felt Him say in my spirit "Read your devotional". and I did! And it was all about feeling small in His presence, and how overwhelming it is, but how sitting in His presence is an act of worship. AWESOME! God was here and was talking to me weeehooo!!!

But it didn't change that undercurrent...
the one that kept us on opposite sides of the river. I could feel Him all around me, but it was different. I didnt feel free. I tried to look at Jesus but I couldn't see His face...He wouldn't come to me. It was confusing and hurtful.

I just laid down in defeat and cried.
G U I L T.


I started journaling and all I kept writing was...
"Who are you?"
"Who am I?"
"What is happening to me Jesus?"
"Why do I feel like this?"
"Who am I?"


There isn't a happily ever after to this post.
I don't have an answer...
All I know is I'm so frustrated I want to scream.
Why do I feel like this?
Why can't I escape it?

Who are you Jesus?
Who am I?