Did I Just Get Married? Yes, I did.

*I'm really trying to be raw and honest about where I am in my life/walk so this post is coming straight from my journal. It's not perfectly written, but it's real. I pray so hard that it blesses you.*

I've been feeling down. Down isn't the word, I've been feeling depressed; so far from God, and even seeking I couldn't find Him. My conclusion?
That He left just like everyone else had. I kept trying to speak his truths over me. I felt weighted down by guilt, believing it was my sinfulness that drove Him away. That guilt would drive me into more sin, which in turn would make me feel more guilty. I couldn't shake it.
I hated myself
my sinfulness
my unworthiness.
I tried speaking the truths of scripture over myself...but I couldn't believe them in my heart. I felt frozen by despair, and nothing was cracking the ice around my heart.
Last night I sought out escape and "love" in the ways I used to...porn; I read romantic stories where at least I could feel loved for awhile (I believe that IS a type of porn).
But with the sunrise came the overpowering shame. I knew Jesus forgave me when I repented, but I felt farther from Him than ever.

A Misty Edwards song came on, she started singing, "You turn to your mother, you turn to your brother, you turn to your sister, and just walk away." She kept singing about how you look into everyones eyes for that feeling of being known, of being loved and you don't find it ...and then you look to your reflection. The song struck a chord with me so I came upstairs to play it, and my insides spilled out.

I sang about how angry I was, how broken I felt...how everyone walks away. Who could ever love me? I look at my reflection and even I walk away so why would anyone else stay?

And then Jesus came in.

He started singing through me saying,

"You've been looking for love in everyone else's eyes, you look at your reflection and walk away. But I don't see what you see when I look at you. Do you hear me? I don't see what you see, I don't see what you see. I don't see a girl who's broken and used, battered and bruised. I don't see someone to abandon and I'm never gonna walk away."

And then I saw the most vivid beautiful vision. It took over my eyesight.
It was Jesus,
in a tux, standing in front of me.
I was in my dream wedding dress.
He grabbed my face in His hands and pulled my forehead against His. He wept as He sang to me:

"I'm never gonna walk away, do you hear me? I'm never gonna walk away. I'm never gonna walk away, I'm never gonna walk away. I'm never gonna walk away."

The ice shattered and a dam broke forth. I cried over every hurt I've ever had, over everyone who's ever left, over everyone who broke my heart. I cried with a pain so deep all I could do was cling to Him. And Jesus wept with me. And sang over me again, over my pain.

"I'm never gonna walk away,
I 'm never gonna walk away,
I'm never gonna walk away.
I'm never gonna walk away. Do you hear me?"

We were both crying, foreheads pressed together, my face in His hands and Him in my arms. I could feel the pain in His love, the pain over my pain, the pain He felt in my fear. I could feel His love, and it reached the deepest parts of me and washed over me.

He showed me my fear of marriage, my fear of giving myself completley to someone, because what if they, like everyone, left?
And He sang again.

"I'm never gonna walk away, do you hear me? I'm never gonna walk away. Do you hear me? I'm never gonna walk away, I'm never gonna walk away."

And my tears of pain changed to tears of a love like I have never known, a love that was deeper than all the oceans. They became tears of joy as we both laughed, even as we wept, consumed by the radiance of this love.

That's how He sees me.
Beautiful
in a lace white dress that flows softly to the ground.
Radiant and alive in love.
I am His bride. He is my Beloved,
and there is a love like the world has never known.
A love I've dreamed of since I was a little girl. It's real. It's alive.
I found it in the arms of my saviour.
And now I know what my purpose is, I know it.

I was made for this love, I was made for this.


One day there may be a husband in my life who Christ will show me His love through. Someone I can trust, someone I can be safe with. I'm scared, but I'm also filled with hope.

I can still feel Him singing those words over me. They are the most beautiful words I've ever heard. They are written across my heart. Beloved, let me never forget them.

"I'm never gonna walk away,

I'm never gonna walk away.

Do you hear me?

I'm never gonna walk away, I'm never gonna walk away."

I love you.
I love you beautiful bride.