Where The Hell Are You?

I'm sitting here weeping, sobbing actually.

I'm crying out the words "WHERE ARE YOU?" And it isn't the first time, in fact it brings me back to a time a year and a half ago, when I first acknowleged your presence. Do you remember it?
I spoke to you for the first time in my life (not including when I used to pray on the toilet as a little girl...story for another time)...
I sat in the dark, propped up against my pillows I dug down deep and tried to understand why I was resisting believing in this..this Jesus. This "Holy Man."This "Messiah."
What bubbled up out of me was something I didn't expect...
a deep anger and feeling of betrayal broke out and I began sobbing and crying out "Where were you? Where were you?" Through all the hurt pain and abuse where were you God? Through of the lies and cheating and feeling worthless where were you Jesus? Through all of the harsh words, blunt blows to her face, and a fear that was paralyzing and gutwrenching where were you?


A year and four months later I'm sitting here much the same.
And I'm crying out where are you?
Where are you?

I feel so far from you latley Lord. You are moving, you are acting in my life...but I see it all from a place of detachment. I am no longer awed by your hand in my life..I no longer record each and every "God moment," small or big, in my journal. I see your hand, and at times it's slightly exciting but that's about as far as it goes. What is happening?
I feel abandoned by you.
I feel betrayed.

I feel like you don't love me.

Do you remember the night Jesus when I asked you to never leave me...everyone has always left, and I was so scared that you would too. And so I cried out to you, weeping desperatley, begging you to stay. And I remember exactly what you said in response..the song playing softly in the background began to sing "Nothing you can do or say, can take my love away from you child."
And I laughed as I knew with more certainty than I had ever known anything, that you would never leave me.

Yet here I sit. And I'm crying out to you Lord..
Where the hell are you?


I havn't been seeking you. I don't know how it happened. Actually that's a lie. I do know.
I got busy.
Work. School. Fundraising. Preparing to leave. Worrying. Worrying. Worrying.

I stopped imagining you sitting next to me. I stopped feeling your hand in mine. I stopped waking up early to get in time with you. I stopped making sure to get time with you each night. I just stopped it all...and your voice became quieter and quieter. My time with you has resorted to half attempts to read my Bible while simultaneously planning my next fundraising event, or going over my the homework I still need to get done. And that's if I even get to the Bible part. Which latley I havn't.
Remember how just a few weeks ago your voice was the sweetest thing in the world to me? I craved it, I desired it, I couldn't get enough of you. I saw you everywhere, in everything. All I wanted was more. I cried out for more. I wept for more. It was amazing and glorious.
If I even went half a day without seeking you I'd fall apart and feel like I was in the desert. Well it's been a week or two and I'm no longer in the desert, instead I'm drowning.

I feel so angry Lord, and I don't even know why. I feel angry at you, I feel angry at people back home who I feel have abandoned me. I feel angry that they havn't made more of an effort to contact me. I feel angry that I am nothing more than an inconveniance to contact, or that's how it seems anyway. And ultimatley Lord I guess I'm mad at you. For not showing up now that I am here, now that I am seeking you, you are incredibly silent.
I don't feel like you love me..I don't see how you could.
I feel useless.
I feel empty.

Waste of space is what I hear the enemy whispering.."Waste of space, who could ever love you? Who would want to?"
I wish I had the heart to tell him to go to hell. But I'm so tired.
I just want to be with you Jesus. I just want to be walking with you, in close communion with you. I don't care if it's here, in Micronesia, or in timbuktu..I just want you. I need you. I'm desperate for you.

Nothing makes sense when you aren't near. I feel confused and broken when I'm not engulfed in your presence. I am only ever myself when I am with you and when you are far away I feel like an enemy to my own soul. I feel the inner demons gain strength and try to take back the ground they have lost and I rip myself into pieces.
I need you tonight Jesus. Please. I am exhausted and I can't do this anymore.
You have to come in tonight. You have to meet me here.
I'm begging you.