The Ugly Little Duckling

A few posts back I talked about the undercurrent of guilt in my life. Turned out guilt wasn't the root, guilt a branch on the rotten tree but the root was expectation.
The belief that I had to EARN love because noone loved me and noone ever would; I had to work for it, and do anything/everything it took to get that love. That created expectations, which are exhausting to live under. And God showed me that I have no idea who I actually am.

I'm trying to strip off the expectations now.
Slowly peel back their rotten layers...
I'm not sure what I'll find underneath and I'm afraid...but you know what? It kind of feels like an adventure. And I feel like Micronesia is a BIG part of that. Maybe when I'm giving my love away, instead of trying to win it from others, I'll learn a few things about God and about myself...the me I really am when I'm not pretending.

A few weeks ago I went on a run. (I'm trying to get into running, right now I'm averaging once every 3 weeks haha.) But while I was running God spoke to me pretty powerfully.

I was exhausted and decided to take a breather down by the river. I walked by a small bench down towards the bank. And there I saw a little duck.
He was a baby, the age that ducks are when they first leave their little duck families. Just like me.
He was alone. Blue and purple feathers were sticking out of his random tufts.
He would swim back and forth along the bank, and then tentativley and slowly creep onto the bank before getting scared and jumping back into the water. I watched with a smile on my face and God said to me,

"That's you. All new, and excited, and passionate and fiery. I love your passion and your fire, it makes me smile and laugh. I love you. You are swimming on a big river, but guilt is not the undercurrent of your life...I am. And the same river that leads you to the bank, and the same river that gives you food and water, and the same river that leads you to your destiny...will one day lead you home, to me..into my arms.
Swim and fly, little duckling. I love you."

So God is leading me, He is leading me deeper into Himself and deeper into me. I am learning & I am meeting myself for what may be the very first time.
I am new. I am excited. I am passionate. I am fiery.
I like it.

And like the little ugly duckling, my feet are too big for my body, and my feathers are just poking through tufts...but my Jesus loves me, and flows beneath me and all around me.
And He is guiding me home.

I Remember You

My heart is fragile...full of insecurities and doubts. Doubts about myself.
I'm afraid that no one will like me, that no one will love me.
I've been trying to be somebody for everybody my whole life, even with Jesus.
And I got tired, and I ran away from Him in my heart.

But tonight, I remembered.
I remembered what it felt like when I fell in love.
It felt like rain, soul drenching rain..the kind that leaves your chest heaving.
And I remembered what it felt like to take His hand because it felt like the wind, when it whispers through the trees.
And I remembered the sound of his voice, because it felt like the waters that rushed over my feet and in between my painted toes, the coolness making my breath catch, making me come fully alive.

Tonight I painted him a picture, wrote him a poem. It was my heart made into words, each beat became a syllable redefined and written, forming slow words. They weren't right or perfect...just my heart, pen to paper.
And I remembered.

I remembered because as I held my breath waiting for the sting of rejection, waiting for the echo of the words "try harder" I felt a calloused hand against my cheek.
I opened my eyes, and there were His, filled with tears as He pulled me close.
It was a tight embrace. We clung to eachother and wept...and I remembered.
Slowly we began to dance, to move as the stars sang their heavenly song above us. As the trees whispered the chorus, and the mountains hummed along.

I remembered His love for me.
He does love me.

Broken.
Ugly.
Sinful.
Liar.
Insecure.
Selfish.
Self obsessed.
Conceated.
Traitor.
Cheater.
Whore.
Unworthy.

These are the things that I name myself.
But I look into His eyes, and I see the truth.
He loves me.
And in that, because of that...I am none of these things, I am everything more.
I am

Beautiful.
Redeemed.
Loved.
Worthy.
Pure.
Righteous.
Funny.
Joyful.
Loyal.
Passionate.
Naked.


I remember.
I AM my beloved's...and He is mine.

I Hate it Honestly

I hate blogging...
scratch that.

I hate blogging honestly.
You know that feeling, where something is nagging at you? Something is pulling at your heart and won't leave you alone until you obey it's command?
It's that burning bush you try to get away from, but everywhere you turn it's in your path.
That's God with my blog.

He wants me to blog...but He wants me to blog honestly.
And honestly,
I hate it.
It's hard. It's scary. Some of the messages I recieve from people are mean and hurtful.
And it's hard to put all of yo bidness out there for everyone to see.
I mean honestly.

*ok rant done, commence to actualy post now*


I've been trying to draw close to the heart of God. I feel far from Him. I don't think He's far from me, but I feel far from Him. When I spend time alone with Him now there's something different about it, it's not like it used to be. There's something missing. And I think that something is me.

But what's even worse than that is the guilt.
I hate it.
I abhor it.
I wish it would die a slow, painful, torturous death.
Guilt is my enemy.

I'll feel it for no reason at all.
Getting dressed EVERY. MORNING. is a damned struggle. Why? Because I feel guilty! No matter what I wear I feel like it's the wrong choice. I feel guilty for wanting to look pretty, I feel guilty for feeling guilty, I feel gulity for wishing I had more clothes, I feel guilty for buying clothes. On and on it goes.
And all day long, guilt runs like an undercurrent in my life. I swim as hard as I can against the stream, but eventually I'm too tired to fight anymore.

Tonight I tried to spend time with God.
When I first came to Christ I would spend  h o u r s  worshipping. I'd put on music and candles and dance/sing for my Jesus (sorry Mom...that probably got annoying). But I couldn't get enough of Him. I wanted more. I had to have more. And I felt so free in His presence.
I was desperate tonight so I thought I'd try that.

BOOM.
Instantly felt the presence of God..so strongly I kept peeking my eyes open to see if He was standing in the room. I felt it so strongly I was scared and had to keep sitting down!!
And then I felt Him say in my spirit "Read your devotional". and I did! And it was all about feeling small in His presence, and how overwhelming it is, but how sitting in His presence is an act of worship. AWESOME! God was here and was talking to me weeehooo!!!

But it didn't change that undercurrent...
the one that kept us on opposite sides of the river. I could feel Him all around me, but it was different. I didnt feel free. I tried to look at Jesus but I couldn't see His face...He wouldn't come to me. It was confusing and hurtful.

I just laid down in defeat and cried.
G U I L T.


I started journaling and all I kept writing was...
"Who are you?"
"Who am I?"
"What is happening to me Jesus?"
"Why do I feel like this?"
"Who am I?"


There isn't a happily ever after to this post.
I don't have an answer...
All I know is I'm so frustrated I want to scream.
Why do I feel like this?
Why can't I escape it?

Who are you Jesus?
Who am I?

"You're Not Going To Get There On Peanuts My Dear" : I'M FULLY FUNDED

"You're not going to get there on peanuts my dear."
It's true, I couldn't fly to Micronesia on peanuts alone...but would God provide what I needed? The deadline was days away, and I still had over $1000 to raise to cover things like insurance and vaccinations. God is almighty, I knew that.
God wanted me in Micronesia, I knew that too.
God provides, I maybe knew that.

But did I believe He would do it for me? As the days grew closer I started to fear, to panic...would I get this close only to have it torn away from me at the last second?
One thing I've learned about God's timing is that He waits and waits and waits and waits, until it seems impossible so that when it does happen, it glorifies and magnifies His name...not mine.

And it DID HAPPEN! In one day I recieved over $1000!!
Which means that I now stand at being completley 100% fully funded!

The LORD is GOOD!

And now I feel like I've got Micronesian ants in my pants, and I'm doing a happy jig.
I can't WAIT to see how God completley breaks me during this trip. I hope I wrecked and ruined after it!



THINGS I'M EXPECTING TO HAPPEN ON THIS TRIP

• I'm expecting to overcome my overwhelming fear of the ocean. It's on an island, I'll be out of options.
• I'm expecting to overcome my fear of bugs. But I'm bringing a spacesuit... just in case.
• I'm expecting to be overwhelmed with God's love and love for others. I hope to come back understanding love in a way I never have before.
• I'm expecting to make deep lasting friendships.
• I'm expecting to be an amazing spear fisher. I hope.
• I'm expecting to be broken.
• I'm expecting to see and hear God in CRAY CRAY kinds of ways.
• I'm expecting to be totally suprised when God surpasses all my expectations.

Thank you to all of you who supported me, financially, in prayer, or by reading my blog.        
I couldn't have done this without you and your love. I hope that you'll continue to follow with me and read about all the freaking amazing things that happen while I'm there!
And thank you Jesus, without you I'd still just be walking dead...you gave me life and life in abundance.

Now to Him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to Him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throught all generations, forever and ever. Amen.
-Ephesians 3:20

What the Longings of My Heart Taught Me About The Heart of God

His provision alone would never be enough, it’s His love..it’s the way He romances us with a kind word spoken through a stranger, in the soft rain that falls, and the warm breeze that tousles your hair. It’s in the way that He longs to know your heart, the way He could sit for hours with you and never grow tired of hearing you. It’s in the way he pursues you always, never relenting, never growing tired of speaking those words over you. His heart is for you, its wrapped up in and around you. He longs for you, He wants you, with everything He is…and you have no choice but to respond with the same love, and together you are set on fire, and it is the most glorious meeting of two souls you will ever knonw…yours and the one who created you. It’s His love that brings us to Him again and again and again.

We come fully alive in the love that pursues without rest, in the heart that longs and pants for yours, in the fire that sets between you. It is a blazing torch that guides you home in the dark, it is the warmth when you are cold and afraid, it is the glow that brings life to your cheeks.

A woman pursued comes alive, just as a woman who isn’t being pursued withers and wilts. And this heart is the heart of God for his people. And this is the heart of God for us onto himself. That we would go on pursueing one another in this way.

It takes a heart, a whole heart…you cannot give only half or only a piece, it will require everything. But a man or a woman in love never thinks of the price, only of what it will feel like to hold your heart so close to theirs. No woman wants scraps and left over pieces, instead we want to  be special…special enough that someone would go that extra mile…special enough that you would write us just to say you missed us and were thinking of our smile, even if we’ve only been apart for five minutes. And this is the heart of God, he wants to not only be a passing thought throughout the day, he wants us to be captivated by Him.

 Lord forgive me for the ways that I haven’t pursued you. You are the heart of the man, the pursuer, the leader, the provider. You romance me and draw me out and make me come alive in your love…but you are also the heart of a woman, I can look at the longings of my heart and find that they reside in your heart too. They reflect the way you desire to be loved, to be seen as captivating. You long for me to pour out my affections for you because they are too great to contain, you desire for me to be so head over heels in love with you that I can’t sleep or breath without you. You long for my passion, my heart, my devotion, my care, my romance...just like I do. And I know the pain you feel when I neglect to show you this love Jesus. Let me sing of your love each morning and speak it tenderly to you each night. Let me shower you in affection, because I am captivated by you Lord, I do love you with everything I am.

I will pursue you. I will surrender it all to you, my whole heart.

Thank you Jesus.

I Desperatley Need Your Help!

So the deadline for my the payment of my tuition is coming fast, in fact it is only 17 days away!
God has been incredibly faithful and abundantly generous through you all as people from all over, and from all walks of life, have come together to support me! It's so incredibly moving to see that people believe that God is working through you enough to sacrifice to see it happen.
But we aren't there yet!


I still have to raise $1277.07 by July 13th in order to go where God is calling me to go.
And I desperatley need your help for it to happen.

That amount seems large and scary to me and I wonder if this will happen, if this can happen...
but to my God, the God who parts seas and moves mountains, all things are possible.

If it's on your heart to help me go forward into this calling and be trained in Micronesia then please donate online by CLICKING HERE.

If you'd like to mail me a check or money order you can email me at
yasemee_dorning@yahoo.com for my address and additional details!


Thank you! <3

Coming Home

Please be praying for me,

I havn't been seeking God and I've just kind of been stagnant in my faith and it's like a slow death; mold is growing on my heart and its slowly hardening. I feel like my spirit wreaks of this putrified death that I've allowed to cultivate in my heart. How do those who don't know God go around living like this? It's so empty and horrible. I HATE it here. Once you've had living water, once you've seen Jesus laugh and smile and take your hand lovingly, there really is no turning back. I used to feast on pain, on excess, on alcohol and peoples praise, I used to feast on relationship, on media, on makeup and clothes, I used to feast on dreams centered around having more... they were like ashes in my mouth.
But then one day I was walking by a well and a man offered me a drink, a sip of living water. And the death and ashes burst forth into green life full of the most beauitful, wonderful tasting fruit, full of wildflowers and tall tress. An eden bloomed in my heart at that first taste. And when I look at the state of my heart  today in comparison to that, I know the truth:
faith isn't stagnant.

Faith and love are ALIVE.
They grow and move and bloom.
But you have to tend them, you have to care for the Eden that excists in your heart or it withers and dies, overcome by weeds it strangles and chokes out. The once beautiful fruit begins to rot, and their poison seeps into your bones and into your soul, and destroys every green thing that ever lived there.

But I'm turning back now, and thankfull my beautiful, wonderful, passionate, playful God isn't back where I left Him. No, He's been following me all along. I've walked on for miles without my Jesus, but I turn around to come home and He's right there with opens arms. He never left. He whispers to me, "I have pursued you from the beggining, before time began you were mine and you will be mine long after it ends. I pursue you then & now, and I always will. I never tire of pursueing you, you are precious to me and honored. I love you."

A song by Michael Ketterer called Dusty Road captures the way I feel perfectly.
"And I've been gone, for a long time now... a wonderer, on this dusty road. And I'm crying out, I'm crying out for you God, to come to me... and lead me home.
And you meet me Father, on this dusty road. And you come with a ring, and you come with a robe. And you meeet me Father on this dusty road. And you wipe away my tears, and you lead me home."

I got a vision this morning for my life. I've been praying for a statement, for a vision statement from God of what my life ministry will be, of how I need to live each day. And today He told me my statement is this:

A life marked by devotion, holyness, and love. A life commited to showing Christ to others, and igniting a fire in the hearts of those around me. A life commited to bringing the kingdom to those who don't know him or have him yet. A life that is uncomfortable because it is full of loving broken people and giving everything I am for everything He is. A life lived for one thing and one thing alone: to surrender my heart, mind, body, and soul to Jesus Christ.


The Son is rising soon, and the night is almost done; the end is almost here and so close at hand.
I'm going to live like it.


This morning I got a vision of someone taking my hand, and as his calloused fingers weaved into mine I knowingly and lovingly looked up at my Saviour and whispered, "Hello old friend."


I have found the one whom my soul loves.
-Song of Solomon 3:4