Real about where I am.
Real about what I'm feeling.
Real about my struggle.
Not where I should be but where I am.
With that being said...
this is probably the scariest thing I have ever posted in my life. But I am no longer giving power to secret things. I am exposing my weakness because they speak of Christ's strength. Take it or leave it, this is where I am and what the LORD is bringing me through.
I pray it blesses you.
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Since I was very young I have struggled and still struggle with homosexuality. I wouldn't have called it a struggle until I knew Jesus, it was just who I used to be, but now I see it differently. Now I know the love of Christ and what He is calling me too. Now I see, because my eyes have been opened.
I also struggle with feeling unloved and seeking my validation in the way others care or don't care about me. This has put me in places of deep, deep pain and devestation in my life. I have allowed myself to be abused sexually, emotionally, and physically, solely for the hope of finally gaining love and acceptance from someone. I have also caused deep pain and destruction.
Recently I fell in a relationship with another woman. She was/is my best friend. She is beautiful, inside and out. Our soul-tie was designed by God: an instant deep connection formed between two-like souls. But as we humans are want to do, I took what God created for good and twisted it for evil. Over time the friendship turned, becoming more and more intimate.
I felt known. I felt loved. I felt whole and complete. I felt worthy. I felt attractive. I felt wanted.
And that lie Satan had been feeding me my whole life "Nobody loves you." Became quieter and quieter...or so I believed.
Someone once told me, "sin always takes you deeper than you want to go, and keeps you longer than you want to stay."
Over time, we knew our friendship had to come to end. But if I am totally honest I didn't belive I was in too deep. I thought maybe I was treading water, but the shore was right behind me, I could turn around and swim home anytime I wanted. Apparently, I am in the habit of fooling myself.
I didn't realize how deeply my heart had entangled with hers, but as she began to pull away, the Holy Spirit revealed it to me; I felt like I was drowning.
I was angry, hurt, and broken. I felt like I could barely breathe.
The most painful thought of all, was the realization that she would eventually move on.
The hardest part of letting go, is the validation of rejection it brings. I've been rejected enough, the last thing I wanted was one more experience that told me what I already knew to be true: I will never be enough. I heard satan's slippery, filthy voice slither past me, "See? Nobody loves you."
BUT...
"He who began a good work in you, will bring it to completion." - Phillipians 1:6
Tonight at my Encounter God class we focused on severing innappropriate soul ties.
My friend Hilary* and I were completley honest and naked about our pasts, about our sins involving inappropriate sexual and emotional soul ties. We each made a list of names and confessed and severed, in the name of Jesus, each one. Each name I crossed off brought a new sense of freedom, of a lightness in my spirit.
But I saved the hardest for last.
But I saved the hardest for last.
As we sat in Hilary's car, I confessed my emotioinal soul tie to the woman who had become my best friend, and in my heart had also become much more than that. I cried as I confessed the honest truth: I didn't want to cut this tie, I wanted to be with her. We had decided in order to seek Christ that we couldn't be friends for the time being, we hadn't talked in days and I missed her; I just wanted her back. I didn't want to move on, but I repented, hoping in the steadfastness and faithfulness of the Lord, and Hilary severed the tie. With a trembling hand I crossed my friend's name off of my list and ripped it into pieces.
We drove away and decided to toss our lists into the night, to be done with them once and for all.
As I held my hand out the window and released the ripped pieces, the remnants and shackles of my old heart scattered away into the wind.
I took in a deep and long breath of the cool night air,
it tasted like freedom.
Whom the Son sets free, is free indeed.
*name has been changed
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Love comes in many forms. It's a blessing, a beautiful thing that you were able to experience real love at all. Unfortunately, a lot of people never get that opportunity.
ReplyDeleteI'm still struggling with this. At this very moment I'm trying to justify my same-sex attraction. I don't want to face the fact that it's wrong. But I need to want God's desires more than my own. Thanks for this post.
ReplyDeleteIt's a hard thing to overcome, and it's impossible to do it in your own will. One thing I learned is that overcoming ANYTHING doesn't have to do with resisting so much as it has to do with SURRENDERING to His will. Surrender, open your hands on the things you want to hold onto and he'll fill them again with His own..and this time you won't be unsatisfied or left empty. He makes us so unbelievably whole! Praying for you through this.
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